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Friday, January 8, 2010

Swords to Panhandlers

Let me just qualify this whole thing by stating that it is 1:45 am... but this seems like such a flash of brilliance that I can't afford to sleep on it!

My friend Colista mentioned that she had some excess money recently, and I jokingly suggested that I use it to buy cigarettes and alcohol for the homeless. (Aside: I never give anything to homeless people, or the bell ringers. It's not that I worry I am enabling them in thier homelessness or their Salvation armying or whatever. That doesn't bother me. I just that I think... I could spend my loose change on myself. Or rather that I could horde it all. And to me that just feels more satisfying. More warm and fuzzy.)

But I was lying asleep in bed thinking... how hilarious it would be to actually give homeless people something like beer, or cigs. That I might actually spend money on. But then the little prud on the right shoulder butted in and objected on moral grounds, and I was forced, after some consideration, to admit that he had a point. Handing out addictive substances to the disadvantaged does smack of real cruelty and so of course it wrecks the whole point of the business which was to be funny. It'd be like going around and kicking homeless people in the groin. Which actually is pretty funny if you think about it. But to actually do it... not as funny then.

So what funny thing to give the homeless? Porn occured to me next but it has all the same problems.

That's when it came to me: Swords! What's wrong with swords? Nothing! They aren't addictive. They can't hurt anybody! (Please. Not really. Not anymore.) I've heard you can buy used swords cheap. Can't you just imagine the face of the guy with the cardboard sign at the intersection when you pull up and hand him a sword? In a scabbard with a belt and all. What's he gonna do, not take it? And later, what will the cops think? It's not illegal to wear a sword in the streets, is it?

So I am thinking my goal should be to pick a major US city and give a sword to every homeless man woman and child in it. I could start a charity to fund it. People would give me money to do it. All I'd need is a bucket and a bell. "Give to the homeless" would be all I'd say. "Give what?", is a question few people would ask.

Maybe I could make swords. A cardboard one might do almost as well.

I also had another brainwave whilst sleeping, about the perfect item to sell door to door, but I need to sketch it up first.

9 comments:

Eyepoke said...

Wouldn't it be ever greater if after I get a sword to every homeless soul in whatever city, that swordfights become alot more common on the streets? That would be agruably a good thing, because swordfighting is better for you that gunfighting.

Renae said...

"I never give anything to homeless people, or the bell ringers. It's not that I worry I am enabling them in thier homelessness or their Salvation armying or whatever. That doesn't bother me. I just that I think... I could spend my loose change on myself. Or rather that I could horde it all. And to me that just feels more satisfying. More warm and fuzzy."

That could be the quote of the century or something. LOL!

Patrick said...

John-
What are you smoking?
Just kidding. Anyway that's a little insane John. Homeless people could do quite a bit of damage with real swords. I do like the idea of card board swords though. That would be hilareous!
Yours Truly,
The Masterful Trick

Brad Carter said...

Now that I know you hate giving money to homeless people, I don't feel so guilty for not doing it myself. We live in an Alton-sized town here, but there's a huge homeless population always asking for money and I never give them anything. I used to be homeless and I never had to ask for money. I was flippin' RICH when I was homeless, not having to pay for rent or utilities.

Anyway, YES SWORDS! Don't listen to Patrick! REAL SWORDS are the way to go! It seems like it could get pricey, but it would be so worth it. Maybe having swords would give homeless people a new calling and they'd become crime fighters. Or maybe they'd just start sword fighting each other, thereby reducing the homeless population. Everybody wins.

You need to register www.swordsforhomeless.org immediately!

Patrick said...

Brad!
You're just as crazy as John! He should not listen to YOU!
The Masterful Trick

timpani76 said...

Such a waste of a great mind...

pie-seas79 said...

MAUAHAHAHAHAHA.....I am all for the sword for the homeless people !!!! LEt;s do it...Iwold give to that charity!

pie-seas79 said...

Oh, and I DO NOT, have excess money!!!! Don't start giving anyone any ideas...LOL!!!

Eyepoke said...

I like the idea of homeless swordfighting vigilantes. That'd rule.