Daily GUIDE-ance:

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Being a jerk

Well, it seems like lately all sorts of people have wanted to take me aside to go and sit down in a quiet corner, and talk about things. Usually they tell me about some troubling event in their lives or share with me a dark secret from their past, or explain about their personal insecurities. These people have sought me out, because, frankly, I must confess that in many circles I am known as a bit of a spiritual leader. Often, I need say very little. Just the fact of my presence is, many times, a great comfort.

I’d like to share here some of the things I have learned about counseling distraught souls.

1) Nod a lot. Stroking your chin is good. Act like you are listening. Occasionally grunt, as if in surprise.

2) If they ask you a question, don’t worry. Just go: "Weeelll…" and then wait. They usually will just start talking again.

3) If you find yourself getting bored, pass the time by thinking of everything that is funny about their problems.

4) Playing air guitar sometimes is good too. It makes them think you are using the musical side of your brain to consider their problems. Whistling, humming or going: "Brawmp Brawmp Brawmp! Brawm brawmp brawmpeer!" is the next level.

5) If you find yourself thinking stuff like: "What an idiot. This is all your fault anyway" it’s okay to say it, but it will soften the blow if you say it in a funny voice. Star Wars Characters like Yoda and Darth Vader are usually easy voices to do. "An idiot you are. All your fault this is!" Chewbacca is another good one.

6) If they start to cry at any point, just repeat back to them whatever they said last only in an even more whiney, about-to-cry type of voice than they used, to show that you understand.

7) Try to make their problems seem like not such a big deal. Remind them that probably nobody but themselves even cares about this stuff anyway, so might as well let it go.

8) Be a stickler about proper grammar. If some one says ain’t or uses a double negative, or an incomplete sentence, point it out right away. People in distress need to look at their problems objectively, and nothing helps lend the right perspective like proper grammar. I like to carry a pocket grammatical text with me so I have proof in case a disagreement arises about what proper grammar really is in this instance.

9) If you have ever had a similar situation, or even heard of someone else with a similar situation, be sure and let them know all about it. Only exaggerate so that their problem will seem less bad. "Oh that’s nothing…" -a good opening line.

10) If you feel like you get the point, only they keep talking, just yawn, clear your throat and look pointedly at your watch.

11) if you get really bored interrupt and tell them about a funny video you just saw on you-tube. It breaks the tension. For instance:

12) Be sure to bring a book along just in case.

13) Often throwing water in their face or slapping them relieves hysteria.

I welcome these confidences of course.

19 comments:

Brad Carter said...

Great advice! I bet laughter would help too. Hysterically laughing at each of their sobbing points as if they'd just told the funniest joke ever.

timpani76 said...

I thought you were being serious when I first started reading this ;) ROFL!!!

Anonymous said...

I emailed this to 9 friends and my dog got cancer. :(

Renae said...

Ha ha ha!!!

Eyepoke said...

Brad, we should set up a booth at the mall and offer free- well we could accept donations- psycholoical treatment. We could grow beards and get notepads and a couch and everything.

Eyepoke said...

T-dog, at what point did you catch on, i'd be interested to know? I think you all ought to know that I am terrible bored right now.

Bruce said...

your a moron and its compleatly your fault

timpani76 said...

John-- I think the first paragraph fooled me, but then when the list started I caught on. I started laughing right away, and just kept going until the end.

Question--Why is it socially acceptable to make fun of fat men and not fat women?

Eyepoke said...

I think its ok to make fun of fat women

timpani76 said...

Ok, John, but FOR THE MOST PART it's not considered socially acceptable.

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

I can vouch for the fact that these suggestions really do work. One time, I pulled John aside because I needed to get some things off my chest (you know, like I'm desperately in love with him, and also I have a venereal disease because I have been running around A LOT with many other people that I am desperately in love with lately) and he used every one of these tactics while we were talking. I really did feel better afterward. I would recommend his style of counseling to anyone. I now use it with my friends. Thanks, John.

Anonymous said...

You're a wierdo.

That's why I'm desperately in love with you, I guess.
J

Chris J L said...

Yo John--I wanted you to see that I have checked out your blog, and I have bookmarked it on my computer and will try and check back now and again (more like 'again' when I have nothing else to do! ha!) --chris

Anonymous said...

YEEEEEEES!

Hi Chris. Pleasant to see you!

J

Brad Carter said...

Is that the famous Chris L? Hi Chris L!

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

After this blog, I am the weirdo. Wow.

Eyepoke said...

At least I dont have VD.

Bruce said...

mary has VD? sorry to hear that mary.

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

Well, it's nothing a giant dose of antibiotics won't cure. Burns tho.