Daily GUIDE-ance:

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Humpy Koneru!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Guess what the second ranked female chess player in the world's name is?
Humpy Koneru! That ought to make all you Roaches, Grosses, Cranks, Crapos etc feel pretty good about yourselves!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Rock Band

So over the weekend I was exposed to that gaming sensation that’s sweeping the nation known as Rock Band. Only I didn’t like it. Bruce says its because I have a superiority complex, and I only like things that I am good at. (yeah pass the chainsaw, I think I am going to cut me a nice, thick slab of IRONY.) Liz thinks its because I was having a fight with her at the time and hated everything anyway.

The main (only) point of the game is to press the right button out of a choice of five at the right time. The right time has something to do with the music that the game is playing at the time. There is no opportunity to do anything clever or creative- its just a matter of pushing the buttons that the game says you must, when it says you must.

The only thing that makes it a Rock Band is that the buttons you are supposed to press are on a controller that is shaped like a guitar, (or a drum set.) Other than that, its alot like that electronic game from the 80's called Simon. (As in Simon Says. It was round and had four colored buttons that beeped, and Brad tried to pass his off as an alien spacecraft)

All my friends love this game. I don’t get it. Maybe I do have kinks in my soul. I’ll try it again mebbe. I also think Wii is retarded though. Did no one in marketing ever figure out that Wii is almost spelled the same as WWII?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Friday, December 26, 2008

Little Drummer Boy

That Christmas song about the little boy with a drum showing up in the stable where Mary just barely gave birth and offering to play the drum for the little sleeping baby...

What kind of madness is that??!

a waste of a post

1am boxing day. Merry Christmas ! Again! I am being recklessly irresponsible being up this late. Cant think striaght right now anyway. Getting old has made me reaaaalllly like having my sleep. Correction: Having kids made me like sleep. I think pre-kids, I could always sleep in more whenever I got around to it, but these days that just isnt so.

But the 5 day weekend makes me crazy. Been playing chess for 2 hours or so. When was it that I stayed over at Renae's last and watched all her kids and mine most of the next day? I got sick as a dog, and spent a fair part of the day playing chess with only half my brain, and since then my game went directly to crap. Before that day I was getting fairly strong (for me)- since that day, I've been junk. This doesn't bug me like it used to though. I used to go into a rage when I lost and take it out on old ladies in the street, by hitting them with canned goods. I'm alot more mellow about sucking now.

It's habits. Part of it is cognition- like logic and all that- but alot more of it is observancy. Being able to compute 3 or 4 move ahead is pointless if you aren't seeing the board.

Not like I know anything- I'm a junk American. So my rating went to bits-- about as low as it has ever been... Got some of it back today though. What else will you be bored to hear? Laziness... whatever the opposite of that is- thats the other attribute you need to win at chess (like i know!) If you see the board but dont bother to compute the data, what was the point? Playing weaker players makes you lazy.

Liz wont play me with a handicap. hurts her pride. Trent though doesn't mind if I handicap myself. Jonni doesn't eiether. She actually knows how to play now, btw! Like remebers the rules mostly! I promise not to be one of those driving fathers who beats all the fun out of his smart kids to make them smarter. How dum is that? What's the point of being smart if you aren't using it to have fun? Yeah!

I'm slappy in the head. Just chuck this post.

Re reading Narnia.

Yeah so--- did you know I was clinically depressed most of 8th grade? That's when I worked out the 1st basic principle of human existance:

1) whatever it is that you are doing, the main point is to be happy.

I'd never been not happy before. I figured out how important that was that year. I was sad for a while but I discovered the meaning of Life- or at least the purpose of Life.

Zaphod says it this way "the main business of life, which is to have as good a time as possible"

Book of Mormon says it this way: "Men are that they might have joy"

So whatever it is that makes you happy, be it going to church or hitting old women with can goods, that's what you ought to be doing.

Later I worked out that the are some basic laws of physics about being happy- some general things that apply to everyone- i mean 4 example I like chess renae hates it, so I play and she doesn't... but on a more general level... nobody exists who is capabale of being happy doing certain types of behaviors like:

2) People generally are happy only if they are being "nice" to other people.
Again with the Book of Mormon: "Wickedness never was happiness"

"Nice" obviously is pretty broad. It can definately sometimes include striking somebody with canned goods. Sometimes it might even include killing somebody. Like in world war 2... it was awfully nice that we killed all those Nazis.

1:30 am now... the part of my brain that knows about it being smart to go to sleep has obviously gone to sleep, leaving me sort of screwed over, because now I dont know any better than to stay up late for no reason like this.... stupid brain. the typing skills part has also gotten pretty drowsy. garag. I will go now!

Gus naps alot!

Sunday, December 21, 2008


Hi all…
Liz and I were coming home from church today when I decided to do what I had been thinking about doing for a while now-- ie taking the Fanclub private. When Liz had that close encounter with a break in, I started thinking about how to tighten up security… and I had to admit that even though we always hear about how you shouldn’t put personal info out on the net, if I was an evil me, I would easy be able to locate myself based on the info on the JSFC. Furthermore, I had at least one freakshow reader, plus who knows how many lurkers?

Most of you don’t know much about the KN character, but I have been actively denying him his voice for regularly ever since he made his first appearance. I have deleted a comment of his every couple days. I decided my policy was be civil consistently, or begone. Nothing he wrote amounted to much except idioicy and or insults, mixed with the occasional civil comment. I was often tempted to publicly mock him, because he made such a juicy target, but I figured that would only encourage him. I even considered doing the love your enemies thing, ie be nice to him, but I decided that was retarded. I even considered and was really tempted to build up this great big huge thing where I would promise on a certain date to allow him one big comment that I would not delete swear to Thor hope to die regardless of what it said… and then do a count down to KN day and everything, hoping that he would put tons of work into writing one huge comment. Then I’d delete it anyway and laugh my head off. But for whatever reason I didn’t do that. I also thought about starting a wall of shame and just posting all his insane comments there to laugh at when ever… but I didn’t do that either. It would have been funny, but on the way home from church I just decided, heck with it. Safety first. If I was single without kids maybe it’d be different, but I ain’t. I had earlier that day deleted yet another stupid comment of his about how the Foolish Advice wasn’t funny- So I got home and headed to the machine to take the JCSFC private- and lo- another, very long comment from KN. This was of a different tenor, and I will try to sum up best I can.

“Wow. You deleted another of my comments, without responding?! You obviously have way more resolve than I do, I give up. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Then he went on to say that his life sucked, he was a loser, he had almost no friends, he was a janitor at Walmart with no education, the friends he did have were backstabbers, he was thinking of going to college but probably couldn’t get in cause he was such a screw up, and today, on top of everything else, something especially horrid had happened to him and he was now just a broken man. (oh. I shed tears!)

Then he went on to explain that back in his prime he was a “bigtime troll” on the internet, and now he wasn’t, and was trying to use my blog to work up his insulting skills back into their prime, but obviously I had totally crushed him.

Then he apologized for making fun of my religion.

I deleted that comment too, and while I was doing it, I am pretty sure he posted another comment about “What? No response to that either?”, so I deleted that too.

Then I took the fan club private.

“Gosh John, you could have said, KN I forgive you and you should read the Book of Mormon, it will change you into not a loser! And it would have been a Christmas miracle!”

Thing is, “ah knows him by de back” as Jim from Huck Finn might say. He’s not looking for a hand to help him up, he’s looking for a hand to bite. Safety first.

I won’t stay un public forever. The world needs me. But I am going to rethink a few things first. I am thinking maybe an anonymous public blog right now, with a private one on the side for personal things, only accessible by the chosen few- the inner circle- you guys. “Powerwielder.com” maybe…

Anyhow sorry for the annoyance.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Shampoo for my real friends...

...and real poo for my sham friends.

Moral dilemma: Please help me out by telling me whether or not the following is in poor taste. I just can't decide!

"Who the heck invented the preying mantis? Let me see if I have this right: The female lures the male into her lovenest, bites his head off, has sex with the decapitated body while it is still more or less functional, and then eats the corpse. It's hard to picture the Creator in his workshop saying to himself-- '"OOO! I have a hecka good idea for an insect!"' and then coming up with that. Anyway it pretty much for once and for all destroys the argument that if it happens in nature it must be ok for humans to do..."

So-- what do you think? too graphic?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Suck, Better, Hilarious

I finally got around to watching the latest Narnia movie, and WoW. I never ever thought I'd say this, but the BBC version was much much better. Mind you the BBC version stunk like a hunk of old cold cannible... There might be words to describe how dumb this movie was, but they probably are only found in the dialect of a rare tribe of pygmies who's tribal lands were found between an active volcano, a malaria infested swamp, a nuclear waste dump, and an enemy tribe of feirce, 8 foot tall giants and who therefore developed a language with 102 words for all the different types of suck.

Of all the things I could rip on I guess the most annoying was how everybody in the movie was always grumpy about everything. Peter and Edmund as streetfighting, angsty Troubled Youths. Pleeeeeeease! "yeah. and they were like, in a band. and they had skateboards. Oh i know! they could cuss! and smoke! and hang out by the bank."

So, if the Penvensie's are this immature and bratty, how the heck are they going to handle Eustace? Make him a vampire? (Vampric Dragon?)

And why did they cast Caspian as 26 years old? I know he's older in the next book, but isn't the problem with child actors that they age too quickly? (unless they are thinking that in book 4 Caspain is 100 years old and dies of old age and are aiming for that...)

And why all the idiotic departures from the story in the book? With Harry Potter they have the valid excuse that the books are way too long, but the Narnia books are short.

I also saw Twilight. Better. had some of the same problems though. Hollywood doesn't know how to handle a mature, intellegent happy teenage character basically. Everybody must be angsty. dum dum dum dum dum. I've been thinking that out of revenge I am going to make a movie of the Elric books with no angst what so ever.

The other thing that offended me about Twilight was that in Fork's High there were no pygmy bushmen or eskimos. Terribly racially insensitive. (morons)

Also saw Get Smart. Hilarious. Reccomend it!

PS: hey... has anyone else heard this song? I cant remember much about it, I only heard it once several years ago on the radio, but it was very funny. It was done in sort of a big band "Mac the Knife" kinda style about this guy who was going to rough up Santa Claus because they were romantic rivals or something. The only lyrics that have stuck with me are:

"Hey St. Nick if you touch my chic, the reinder are gonna fly home alone!"

I've tried a bunch of lyric search engines, but I can't find it. Any ideas? Mary?

Monday, December 8, 2008

I come from the land of Ice and Snow
Of the Midnight Sun where the cold winds blow

Ho Ho Ho Ho!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Insult of the Day has been discontinued for the month of December. Instead we are happy to annouce, in the interest of spreading holiday cheer, our new daily Advice column!