Daily GUIDE-ance:

Sunday, October 5, 2008

If "The Lord of the Rings" had been written by....

Mercedes Lackey:
  • All the characters would have been female, except Sauron, Boromir and Elrond. Elrond would have been gay.
  • Rivendell and The Shire would have both been seething hotbeds of political intrigue
  • Orc curse words like : "Rat", "Dung", "Filth" and "Dunghill Rat" would have been replaced with phrases like "By the Mother!"
  • The fellowship would have all had to go through a mystical magic "Oathing" ritual before they left on the quest to destroy the ring. It would have been physically "torturous". It would have required everyone in it to get naked. Some freaky "High Priestess" would have been involved.
  • There would have been no orcs or goblins, just evil human men.
  • The Ents would have been female. Long ago the male ents would have been driven away by the she-ents. Treebeard would have been alot more hormonal and preachy.

Louis Lamour:

  • The final battle between Frodo and Gollum would have been a brutal fistfight, that both had known to be inevitable (and on some level been looking forward too) since they had first met. Sam would have held Frodo's guns for him, but would have warned him : "Careful, Boss- That hombre looks like blazin' brimstone on wheels!"
  • Aragorn would have been described as "being able to trail a snake across a flat rock"
  • There would have been more poker being played at the The Prancing Pony
  • The Orcs would have been Apaches. Once Sauron was dead, they would have laughed, slapped Aragorn on the back and said: "You fight good fight. You big Warrior. Strong Medicine!" Then they would have ridden off full of respect for a fellow "fighting man".
  • Rosie Cotton and Arwen would have had occasion to have tea together and discuss how they appreciated strong men.
  • Gandalf would have been a wily old prospector. Saruman would have been a wealthy rancher, who got rich by cheating Gandalf out of his gold. In the last scene Saruman, would have been holding a knife to Rosie Cotton's throat, when Gandalf appeared out of nowhere and shot him in the temple with his very old rifle. "I shoulda done that years ago" Gandalf would say.


timpani76 said...

ROFL! Especially the Mercedes Lackey version. BY THE MOTEHR! HA!
Freaky high priestess' are the bomb! Naked rituals, who's complaining????

I was telling Erik how I always thought Mercedes Lackey was like a watered down version of Marion Zimmer Bradley, and ML was mentored by MBZ.

I think I only read two books by Louis Lamour. Last of the Breed, and another book that no one knows the name of because all the plots sounds alike. "An old woman needed help because she had two squatters on her land, and no way to get them off. A dark haired stranger who shoots really well comes into town to help her..."

Renae said...

I've never read anything by that Mercedes chick. She sounds like an idiot. I won't waste my time. Honestly, I've never read an entire Louis Lamour either. Bruce LOVES him, so I know enough to get the gist. Funny stuff though.

Bruce said...

Okay, so how do the Steven King and the Grisham versions go?

T, the title to that book is Ride the Dark Trail. I have it, and almost every other LL book ever written.

The Marinator said...

LOL! Where do you get the idea to remake stuff like this? I also like that you chose 2 completely opposite authors to compare. (LL is my grampa's favorite author. He's read everything ever written by the man.)

Dana Cheryl said...

I'm laughing so hard I may just pee my pants!

Anonymous said...

Weelll thank you, thank you. These sort of compliments are what I live for, as you know.

I have enjoyed enough Louis to... uh- have noticed a pattern- in his writing. He may have basically written the same story over an over- BUT it was good story!

I've read the first 2 paragraphs of about a million Mercedes Lackeys (Liz reads em) and 2 paragraphs is about as much as I can stand. It's as if she has never met an actual human being and is writing about them the way an alien from the planet Gorko might. I did finish one of her books once, but I had to stop and shout "WTFreak?!?!?!?!?!?!" regularly in order to do so.


Anonymous said...

Bruce, I thought about a SK version, but nothing great came to mind...

Also thought about a JKR version, and I think that would be mostly the same expect Aragorn, Arwen, Pippin, Gandalf, Bilbo, Legolas, and Sam's pony Bill would have all been dead at the end.


Renae said...

John is a doonga doo!

Bruce said...

there are some LL's that dont fit the pattern perfictly. the SK version would have a lot more swearing and would be about a thousand pages longer.