Daily GUIDE-ance:

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Today, I Killed a Wasp with Butter

On the flip-side of humanity: Mediataions on Galaxy Quest and Lord of the Rings

My friends, I have been mediating on the wisdom of destroying our brethren, those we call the homo spaiens minimus. It is true that their ways are strange to us, the true humans. It is true that they often smell badly. It is true that their lack of enlightenment causes them to believe foolish superstitions, and to live a lifestyle not in harmony with the true path. Yet, are we not all but pilgrims on the road to enlightenment? As Neil Peart of Rush, in the track known as "The Pass" off the Presto Album has written: "All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers turn to look at stars. All of us do time in the gutters, dreamers turn to look at the cars".

I have thought, since writing to you last, that in adopting the philosophy of The Bug, we may be making an error. Might we not do better to consider the path chosen by Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith? As we look to their example, we see that, although Tommy Lee knows that: "people are dumb, panicky, animals" as he teaches Will Smith, he also embraces the truth that" "A person is smart."

This week end I mediated apon the truths taught in "The Lord of the Rings", where in we see that it is the small and simple hobbits, who, by their very simplicity, are the most reliable in resisting the lure of power represented by the One Ring. We also see that, as Gandalf foresaw, it was the pity of Bilbo that ruled the fate of all, when he chose to spare Gollum. Is not Gollum an archtype of all those qualities we despise in those we call the pinks, or the people found in walmart?

Indeed, what is the prime difference between Gandalf and Saruman? Is it not that Gandalf sought to understand the hobbits, and it so doing came to see that their simplicity was a strength, not a weakness?

I then meditated on the deep truths taught in the holy movie Galaxy Quest, where in we again see a simple, unclever people, the Thermians, who, despite being gulible, and foolish in many ways, nevertheless are heroic in their way. Let us also look to the example of Jason Nesmith, who, in spite of being a silly, self deluded sot, also had worthwhile qualities that needed only the right set of experiences to to bring these qualities to the fore?

Indeed, my disciples, we must ask ourselves what is the basic distinguishing feature, between Superman and General Zod, between Luke and the Emperor, between Sam Gamgee and Gollum? What separates Batman from the Joker? What keeps a superhero from becoming a supervillian? It is not strength or power. It is not intelligence, for do not most brilliant scientists become supervillians?

Is it not a respect for life that makes a villain or a hero? As Gandalf said of the hobbits, that they really are "amazing creatures. You can learn all that there is to learn about their ways in a month, and after a hundred years that can still surprise you". Indeed, if Gandalf was willing to learn from the hobbits, might we not also find something to learn from the grotesquely overweight, smelly man purchasing a years supply of HoHo's and Diet cola in Walmart?

Then again, Gandalf didn't study the goblins and orcs. hmmmm. I must mediate further on this, my children.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

homo sapiens minimus

I’m a snob.
I hate humans.

I think I am going to make up a name to distinguish myself and other, more evolved people from
the walmart people. I don’t think Homo Sapiens really applies to a lot of you slobs out there. You are Homo- as in human- technically, genetically speaking, but you are defiantly not all that sapient. Maybe what I will do is call us smart people homo sapiens and call all the dumb people something else. Homo Stupideuos. Homo Gluteus Maximus. Homo sapiens minimus. Yeah, I think I am getting some where. Because since we can technically interbreed with the morons and produce viable young, I suppose we are really one species, but they should probably have a different sub species name. Homo sapiens minimus- "Marginally thinking man. "

"You know I’ve noticed an infestation around here. Everywhere I look in fact. Nothing but underevolved, barely conscious pondscum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives!"

That was the Bug from MIB. Talking to the exterminator.

" Well, yeah--- don’tcha wanna get rid of em?"
"Oh, in the worst way!"

I can relate. Does that make me a monster?

Speaking of monsters, is it morally wrong for vampires to kill people? As long as they use them for food, how is it worse than us eating cows? Not that I think we should be vegetarians. So a cow dies. Big frickin deal. Who cares about a cow? Not me. It’s sad in a small way for the cow’s friends, but steak and hamburgers are good, and a little emotional pain to a cow is worth it to me.

But does that still apply for a vampire? Not that I am going to let them eat me anyway. But still…

And the stupid people? Is it so wrong to just kill ‘em? Would it make it more ok if we ate them?

WWJD? Maybe I need to hate the stupidity, love the stupids? I suppose when I achieve true enlightenment, I'll do that.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Thursday, August 21, 2008


Girls would have less body image problems if they could live as a guy for a day.

A good way to get rich would be to rig the universe so that everytime an attractive girl/woman (aside: being 35 is wierd because of the wide age range of girls that are attractive. Girls/women my age are attractive, definately, but I am also faced with the unsubtle truth that a 17 year old can cause you to miss a traffic light.) Where was I? Oh yeah- get a buck everytime a hot chic says that she's ugly. That's how you get rich.

Once apon a time I assumed that pretty girls who pretend to think they are ugly were just compliment fishing liars. But I have lived with a girl for 6 years and have learned alot of insider girl secrets that way. One thing I found out was that mostly they aren't liars. They are just blind. They (hot chics) really truly deep down think they are ugly. Skinny chics think they are fat. It's wierd.

This may seem like pandering to a largely female audience, but its not. I am going to try to let women in on a secret. It's like gravity. Every girl has it. It's not something you can shut off or turn on. Sure, an airplane might fly, Evil Kneivel might jump 15 school buses, and a guy falling off a cliff might get lucky and grab a branch and hold on for dear life trying to prevent the inevitable indefinately- but these stunts don't shut off gravity. It's always there, tugging away.

Fact is, every girl exerts a gravitational attraction on just about every guy. (with certain exceptions of course-see below*) Really, girls should know this already, but they don't. It's a cliche how very hormone/phermone driven guys are. This knowledge, I think, has led girls to think that the best way to be attractive to a guy is to try to be phsyically perfect. This is hardly nessecary. Guys almost never see a nice girl in a swimsuit and think: "well, not bad considering..."- Its more like : "... WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM...where was I again? "

You don't need to take a starving guy to a five star, black tie, perfect food shaped like swans kind of restraunt. In fact, taking him there would probably be very annoying, what with trying to observe all the nicetiess of ettique, all the while wanting nothing but to dash into the kitchen and start biting things. He'd be much much happier with a sandwich and some mac and cheese. Maybe a rootbeer.

Another lie: Platonic frienship. Its alot rarer than guys normally let on. Alot. Before I was married, I had perhaps one friend who was a girl that the natural attraction was not an issue with, ever. 95% of the time, if a guy claims his best friend is a girl, he is self-deluded. It's gravity. Being married changes alot of that though. Being out of the dating game has made it possible to have friends who are girls, who really are just friends. It's kinda cool that way.

Cute girls are everywhere. The store, church, in traffic, hiding behind bushes, in the fridge, in the closet... Everywhere. Odds are if you are a girl, you are one of them. It's too bad more of you don't know this.

* A while back I formulated a few questions a girl might ask herself to decide objectively if she is really and truly unattractive. First, if you are related to the guy in question- no- that really is usually an no-go situation. Second- age. If you are way older that the guy in question, sorry, you are probably not in the running (exceptions exist). Third- have you bathed in the last 2-3 days? If not, do you have a good reason? Fourth- Are you healthy? This does not mean do you have"the perfect waist" whatever that is, or perfect anything. Fifthly- Are you smiling? Counts for tons- a grouchy super model loses to a friendly looking normal girl everytime. Laughing? Very attractive indeed.

Final sum up: Guys like girls. ALOT. We aren't nearly so picky as you seem to think we are.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I love it when you shave!

I shave it when you love.

Win it! I shave your love!

Shave your eye! Love it! Win!

You shave it when? AYE, Love!

I win! You shave it, love!

I shave ewes, love! It wins!

Win Ewes! Love shaves it's eyes!

Aye, when you shave it, love!

When it eyes your shave, love...

Love it when your eyes shave.

Win your shave?! I love it!!!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Life in Pacific

It's a hillbilly sort of town. I like it. Some small events and observations from my life here lately:

The local library fined me a dollar. I paid cash. They wrote me out a reciept. By hand.

A small boy pushed his lawnmower down the sidewalk as I was disembarking from my car. He stopped and said very politely: "Would you like to have your lawn mowed, sir?" I'm a sir. Sir John. I've been a sir forever now, but it still suprizes me. I'm a knight.

There were nothing but white people at kindergarden orientation the other night. (Liz claims she saw a mexican- I didn't though). Some t-shirts worn by other parents included :

"I put ketchup on my ketchup"
"John Deere"
"Kurt Warner"
"Walmart Tire and Lube"

One local family had a dad wearing a straw hat and a mom in pig tails. (Pig tails is the one where you have two of them, one per side, right?)

We had to find city hall. Because that is where you buy passes to the local community pool. Liz and I had an argument about who would have to drive all around town to find it. I lost. Liz map-quested it for me. Its a block and a half away. (So is the drugstore. And the grocery store. And the hardware store. And the local Goodwill.)

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Fiddly things on my mind

So I found out what the secret message on the jacket of The DaVinci Code means:

(If you look at the jacket of the book, you will see that every 10th letter or so is in a slightly bold font. If you string all the bolded letters together you get: "Is there no help for the widow's son?")

At first Liz and I thought that it must be another cryptic anagram, but we couldn't figure out what it could possibly unscramble into.

It turns out that (according to Wikipedia) that "Is there no help for the widow's son?" is the last part of a phrase that is supposed to be the Freemason distress signal.

Here's the interesting part. The first part of the distress signal is "Oh Lord, My God" So:

"Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son?"

The prophet Joseph Smith's (founder of the LDS Church) last words, as he was being shot to death by a masked mob, were "Oh Lord, My God". Given Joseph's background as a mason, it begs the question, was Joseph just saying something pious as he died (like I always assumed) or was he starting the distress signal?


On a totally unrelated note, I was reading Elder Richard G. Scott (of the LDS church)'s most recent general conference address, and was tickled by a phrase he used. His talk was about abuse, most especially sexual and physical abuse. Mostly he spoke to the victim, but he did address some words to the perpetrators, encouraging them to shape up. Remember this apostle speaks in a very... ubercompassionate, pleading, kindly sort of tone. This is how he ended his words to perpetrators:

"Be grateful that you didn’t live anciently when abusers were stoned to death without the opportunity for repentance."

I thought that was kind of funny. My sentiments exactly!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Sleepy. Should go to bed. So I will.

Friday, August 1, 2008

I have posted The Answers!

If you haven't read the Questions yet, you should before you read The Answers!

Thanks for playing!