So some friends (see Cranky at right, I don't have time to create a link) and I got to talking and, really, we are very smart as it turns out. When I get around to running for public office, you'd be a fool not to vote for me. Just listen to some of the high octane $$$ making ideas we came up with, without even half trying. When I am elected, you won't even need to pay taxes after I have implemented these killer (ha ha) ideas. And just to show you that I am not only a frickin' genius but also kind and generous, I'm just going to give out my ideas for free right here, on the internet.
Prisons. Well, simple ideas first- everybody who is released from jail should get a bill when they leave that covers the cost of their incareration- food, housing, paying the guards, etc. Simple and fair.
Wait, don't go. That was easy- boringly simple. Lets get to the good stuff.
The death penalty. When I am in charge we will charge admission to every execution. We will make a killing! (narf!) And we'll put em all on pay per view too. World wide audience. Saving the taxpayers billions.
But it gets better. On Ebay we will auction off the privlegde to be the guy who "pushes the button" for each excetution. We could put a virtual button on the highest bidder's computer screen and all you have to do is click. (It could even be a trigger shaped button!) Is there any limit to how much money we could rake in this way? For famous criminals we'd make millions. I bet we could have gotten half a billion for Timothy McViegh.
OOO! yeah- and also on Ebay we could auction off the right to choose the method of death! We'd keep it clean- lethal injection, firing squad, electric chair, the basics- no slow dismemberments or boiling in oil, no crucifictions- but even so, it'd be a money maker.
But it gets better still! How about a Death Row Reality Show? I'm thinking something like survivor. 20 rapist/murderers on an island and each episode, they all vote one of thier number off the island- and they go straight to the chair! How awesome would that be? The winner gets to stay on for the next season... Or maybe we give him/her an extra year of life or something. That's a good prize.
So it's hard on the murder's family. Yeah that's sad, but they'll get over it. Like they were going to be happy anyway. Cruel to the deathrow guy? I doubt it. Who wouldn't rather die a celebrity than just die? I bet if we just took only criminals who volunteer for it, we'd have to turn tons away. Bad for the pscyhe of the nation? Pleeeeease! You can see worse on TV now, for free.
Ooo- maybe we could get sponsors, commentators, the works- "Well Bob, in just 10 minutes Ringo the axe fiend will be riding the lightning. He looks pretty cool there in the on-deck circle- looks like he's ready to go" "Yes Jack, he certainly does. Not like the Jamal the child molester we had on last week. I've always said Ringo was cold as ice. Time for a break folks- don't go away we'll be riiiight back!"
And then we cut to a commercial for Verizon, or tampons or something.