Daily GUIDE-ance:

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Free Good Ideas!

So some friends (see Cranky at right, I don't have time to create a link) and I got to talking and, really, we are very smart as it turns out. When I get around to running for public office, you'd be a fool not to vote for me. Just listen to some of the high octane $$$ making ideas we came up with, without even half trying. When I am elected, you won't even need to pay taxes after I have implemented these killer (ha ha) ideas. And just to show you that I am not only a frickin' genius but also kind and generous, I'm just going to give out my ideas for free right here, on the internet.

Prisons. Well, simple ideas first- everybody who is released from jail should get a bill when they leave that covers the cost of their incareration- food, housing, paying the guards, etc. Simple and fair.

Wait, don't go. That was easy- boringly simple. Lets get to the good stuff.
The death penalty. When I am in charge we will charge admission to every execution. We will make a killing! (narf!) And we'll put em all on pay per view too. World wide audience. Saving the taxpayers billions.

But it gets better. On Ebay we will auction off the privlegde to be the guy who "pushes the button" for each excetution. We could put a virtual button on the highest bidder's computer screen and all you have to do is click. (It could even be a trigger shaped button!) Is there any limit to how much money we could rake in this way? For famous criminals we'd make millions. I bet we could have gotten half a billion for Timothy McViegh.

OOO! yeah- and also on Ebay we could auction off the right to choose the method of death! We'd keep it clean- lethal injection, firing squad, electric chair, the basics- no slow dismemberments or boiling in oil, no crucifictions- but even so, it'd be a money maker.

But it gets better still! How about a Death Row Reality Show? I'm thinking something like survivor. 20 rapist/murderers on an island and each episode, they all vote one of thier number off the island- and they go straight to the chair! How awesome would that be? The winner gets to stay on for the next season... Or maybe we give him/her an extra year of life or something. That's a good prize.

So it's hard on the murder's family. Yeah that's sad, but they'll get over it. Like they were going to be happy anyway. Cruel to the deathrow guy? I doubt it. Who wouldn't rather die a celebrity than just die? I bet if we just took only criminals who volunteer for it, we'd have to turn tons away. Bad for the pscyhe of the nation? Pleeeeease! You can see worse on TV now, for free.

Ooo- maybe we could get sponsors, commentators, the works- "Well Bob, in just 10 minutes Ringo the axe fiend will be riding the lightning. He looks pretty cool there in the on-deck circle- looks like he's ready to go" "Yes Jack, he certainly does. Not like the Jamal the child molester we had on last week. I've always said Ringo was cold as ice. Time for a break folks- don't go away we'll be riiiight back!"

And then we cut to a commercial for Verizon, or tampons or something.

9 comments:

Renae said...

Ha Ha Ha!!! I like it. I'm sure there would be a few loud-mouthed, save the whales, mercy for the hardened criminal, pay the illegal immigrants to take over the country, hug a tree, kill a baby, kiss the Iraqes' feet, and blow up anyone who suggests that there might be a God, morons who would lynch you for suggesting such things.

pie-seas79 said...

love it! When are you running for election?
You should start out with running for sheriff or something like that!

Brad Carter said...

All kidding aside, those ideas are brilliant and would work, aside from all the whiny Americans who would complain about us returning to the dark ages. It's too bad some other country doesn't try this to show us how awesome it could be.

Ever see a movie called The Running Man? It was a TV game show where each level would kill you if you failed. Now that would be fun to watch! And before anyone points it out to me, yes the book was a billion times better and the movie version was complete crap and nothing like the book at all.

Bruce said...

the winner could have his sentence commuted. that would clearly get the vollenteers to line up. i would love to be the color guy for an exicution. that could realy be fun.

Everyone Admires Mary said...

Well, we could arrange for those that wanted to make a fuss about the treatment of criminals to make special appearances on the show. After a few of those, I think they'd shut up. Or, we could just deport them to Belgium, where they can smoke as much pot as they want, and quit caring about anything else. Yes, I thought those were great ideas. We are very clever.

Eyepoke said...

Maddenly Clever. Indeed.

Dana Cheryl said...

And it might just deter future criminals... So all in all it would be a public service!

Anonymous said...

On the flip side it might encourage criminals to do bad stuff just so they could get on the death row reality show.

J

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, also, auctioning off the dead guy's effects would be a money maker. Like the needle that gave McVeigh the lethal injection? How much would that be worth? Or how did they execute Sadaam? 6 inch lengths or the rope that hung Sadaam, or whatever...
J