Daily GUIDE-ance:

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Ditch

I have a huge drainage ditch behind my house. It runs for at least a mile, probably more, behind all the houses in my neighborhood. People build little foot bridges across it or even erect sheds over it. It’s seriously huge. 4-5 foot deep at least and 3-4 feet wide. Its like a damp sunken sidewalk. In fact I know that a lot of kids around here use it for a sidewalk because they have left a lot of graffiti and also I caught some of them hiding in it spying on me recently. I think I acted sufficiently weirdly that they don’t want to mess with me.

My problem is that I dearly want to explore this thing. It’s clearly the best place to look if I want to find vampires, werewolves, extra-dimensional portals, buried treasure, secret passages, skeletons etc. If I were a kid, I’d have explored it thoroughly by now. Unfortunately, I only have this one body, you see, and it looks pretty darn grown-up somehow, and if the neighbors spot me climbing around in the drainage ditch in their back yard they are going to assume I am a child molester or something.

Its big enough that I could possibly hide while I explored it, but then if I get caught, I look like a child molester with a guilty conscience. I could go at night- same problem- or wear a mask-even worse- or both- but with my luck someone will call the cops and I’ll wind up in jail.

I have a partial solution, and that is to get me an orange safety vest, a hardhat and a clipboard and act like I am doing something official, but I don’t have any of that stuff, and it sounds like a waste of $$ just to avoid being embarrassed. I am JCS after all. I think I am going to tackle it at night.

14 comments:

Eyepoke said...

Maybe I should just put a nylon over my head, cover myself in ketchup and carry a huge butcher knife.

timpani76 said...

Just take Jonni with you silly! If you take your kids with you while you do kid things, then it just looks like you are hanging out with your kids. Plus, with Jonni calling you "dad" and such, you would look more trustworthy (ie not a bad guy).

Then, you would not be exploring, you would just be supervising Jonni's explorations, and keeping her out of trouble.

Brad Carter said...

Carry a leash with you and yell, "HEEEEERE, LUCKY!" occasionally. And spraypaint something cool while you're there.

Maybe instead of a roadtrip next week we can go ditch exploring!

Dana Cheryl said...

you could dig out your old mission name tag... when people see that they look while around avoid making eye contact. After a while they won't see you at all! :)

Everyone Admires Mary said...

Here's an idea freakazoid- take Jonni to explore it! Man, sometimes the most obvious solution is the trickiest to figure out! Also, I know you enjoy coming up with odd solutions instead of normal ones.

Everyone Admires Mary said...

Hey Brad, you're in front of the arch in your photo! Just noticed that...

Anonymous said...

what's really hilarious that you all didn't know is that he has been trying to figure out how to do this since we moved here. six weeks ago, lol! and mary, timpani came up with the kid idea too. look a few comments up! yer funny.
liz

Eyepoke said...

Ok yeah take Jonni! geez, like I haven't thought of that.... then I'll look like I have actually already kidnapped some kid and am just looking for the perfect spot to kill her!

Eyepoke said...

The other problem with taking Jonni is that then she will almost guaranteed, go ditch exploring by herself sometime.

Dana Cheryl said...

That's why you should use the missionary name tag. Folks will be so busy looking the other way and trying not to see you that you can pretty much do whatever ya want.

Everyone Admires Mary said...

Liz, yes I saw that she said that once I posted. Timpani, great idea, you are one clever lady. John, now you're just looking for reasons to discount the obvious idea that you somehow overlooked. Plus once Jonni has gone exploring with you, her curiosity will be extinguished, and she will no longer need to explore the drainage ditch by herself or with a friend or some strange man that offers her candy. You'd actually be killing two birds with one stone here.

timpani76 said...

Wow, I won't offer anymore suggestions to John since he just turns it around on me to make it look like I'm making him look like a murderer OR trying to kill his daughter!

Will somebody please think of the children??????

Andrea said...

What if you just wore a deer costume...just a happy, kind, deer meandering through the ditch.

Anonymous said...

yeah, I like Andrea's idea alot. except I think I will do some research and find out what kind of deers are endangered around here cause I think some hunters live in my neighboorhood. so I will just be a kind happy lonely endangered deer meandering, looking for others of my species in the ditch. Good Plan.

J