Daily GUIDE-ance:

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


This morning I was getting ready for a little pre-work 5k. I had my shoes and my running clothes in a little pile, but I was still wearing jeans and a T-shirt. I stripped off my shirt in order to exchange it for my running shirt. As I did so, I caught a glance at myself in the mirror.

It may be that the reason my twin didn't survive, was to keep me from turning gay. I'm that good-looking.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Serious Jokes

I made up a new kind of joke. The thing is, this kind of joke isn't funny. Instead they are Tragic. Like Shakespeare. Because some people just prefer a sad ending, you know? So these are "jokes" that you can share with your Goth friends*:

  • A man walks into a bar. He becomes an alcoholic and his wife leaves him. He loses everything and dies of liver disease.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road? To be crushed beneath the wheels of a speeding semi.

  • Your mom's so fat she has type 2 diabetes!

  • Knock knock. Who's there? A serial killer disguised as the meter-reader.

  • A traveling salesman stops at an old farmhouse one night, looking for a place to stay. The farmer says no. He walks for miles, alone in the cold.

*These also might be good to tell to the Overly Pious.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Man Cooking

(I only chose that title because I makes me think of man-pies in The Silver Chair)

So let me try something a bit queer.
Queer isn't exactly the right word. Oh well, its late so whatever.

I'm not a single parent, but I have seen my wife through 2 utterly debilitating pregnancies and recoveries, as well as at least 1.5 serious long term recovery type illnesses, so for a guy, I have done a fair amount of mommy-ing. Being unusually smart (well maybe- you be the judge at the end of this), I will now make like a mommy blogger and tell you some of the things I have learned to cook.

Here's the hook though, here's the thing- here is what may (or may not) make this post worth reading: Using only the microwave.

yeah, so like- OK here it is: 4 easy, cheap, quick and dirty and reasonably healthy dishes I have learned to microwave over the years.

Cheesy Toast

slice of bread
slice of cheese
maple syrup

What you do:
Put them on a plate, on top of each other, in that order. Microwave until cheese is pleasantly gooey. (about 66.6 seconds)

Makes for an ok breakfast food. Jonni likes it anyway.

Aside: I always use numbers like 6666 or 888 or 999 or 1111 for timing on a digital microwave. It saves me having to push more than one button, and I never wait for the timer to get done anyway. I just watch stuff and yank it out when its done. By the same token, on a rotary timer microwave I usually just give it a crank to like 30 minutes or so.

Scrambled eggs

I assume everyone knows that you can microwave and egg, right? Just crack one into a ceramic bowl, or coffee mug and nuke it. You might want to cover the dish if you have never done this before because if you over do it there is an explosion hazard. The trick to not over doing it is to yank the egg out frequently and give it a good stir. This makes the egg cook uniformly as opposed to being rubbery and gross.

You can also add to your eggs:
Peppers sometimes turn out ok too.

It takes like 111 seconds to make a pretty good egg. Also, since there is no grease involved I think these eggs might be better for you than traditional scrambled in a pan eggs.


Of course, you can make oatmeal in the microwave. You can buy the stupid little Kool-aid sized packets if you want but those are stupidly expensive considering $1.25 will get you a 2 pound cylinder of oatmeal at Aldis. The wee packets are flavored and have some nominal fruit in them, of course, but they are still not worth it. Here is why:

Cereal bowl. Put plain oatmeal in it. 1/2 full or so. Run some H2O from the faucet into it. Just enough to not quite float the top flakes of oatmeal. Now add the following:

2-3 spoons of brown sugar
Several shakes worth of Cinnamon, Ginger and/or Nutmeg.

Next get a jar of apple sauce (also cheap) and dump about half again as much apple sauce as you have oatmeal. Stir. Microwave until soft.

Also, you can use milk instead of H20 if you prefer- and apple juice works good too. Its a good way to dispose of the last centimeter of juice that no one wants to drink.

Mashed Potatoes

This really is my own invention and these mashed potatoes are as good and better than any other kind I have ever eaten. And they are much easier to make than the old fashioned skin, boil and mash method.

Get 3-5 potatoes. Wash them. (How clean you bother to get them depends on how much of the skin you like in your mashed potatoes.) Gouge holes in them (so they don't explode). Microwave for like 8:88 minutes or more. Until they are squishy to the touch.

Take them out. They will be very hot indeed. What you want to do now is get the baked, white stuff out. You could do it with a spoon, if only you could hold on to the outside of the potato, but you can't cause it is so stinking hot (a hot potato!). the trick is to run cold water over them first. It will cool the outside enough to handle, and leave the insides piping.

With a knife or fork open the potatoes and spoon out the white goo into a biggish bowl. If you like skins in your potatoes, and if you washed them fairly well, you can toss the skins in too.

After the contents of all your potatoes are in your bowl, add some of the following (you don't have to add them all, but I would at least not neglect the butter, salt and pepper):

Sour Cream
Parmesan Cheese

You should be able to use a fork to stir all this together, adding milk and/or sour cream to get the consistency just right. From scratch, mashed potatoes: done in 15 minutes.

So that's me being Rachel Ray. Let me know if you try any of these, especially the potatoes.
Oh hey another thing- It is easier to pick up legos using a dust pan and broom than it is to do it using your fingers.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Zero Gravity Fridge

A fridge in zero gravity would be good, because you could fit so much more stuff in there. No need for shelves, just stuff whatever it is in, and let it find its own space. The only problem is that when you opened the door again, stuff would probably all float out, and you'd have to go around and find everything and put it all back.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Lincoln and GW Bush

  • Both elected for their first term without the popular vote
  • Both came into the presidency during a time of intense, bitter political division
  • Both fought unpopular wars
  • Both were smeared relentlessly by the media
  • Both wars were initially waged for the purpose of national security
  • Both wars were considered "elective" at the time
  • Both wars resulted in the overthrow of brutal dictaorships that condoned torture, rape, murder and other atrocities
  • Both brought freedom to thousands in the process
  • Both won a second term in office against ex-generals who ran on a platform of opposing the war
  • Neither were very popular at the time

As an aside, it blows the mind a bit to discover that after seven years there are still people who somehow think taking down Hussein was all about getting our hands on some cheap oil. Gas is 4 dollars a frickin gallon!!!!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Moron Politics

The major problem- one of the major problems, for there are several - one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.

To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who most want to rule people are ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

-The Guide


"...Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?"

-The King from Huckleberry Finn

Well... All that was going to be the lead in to an ingenious analysis of the current political world, but I find that I just actually don't care enough to write all my brilliant thinking down. I get bored just thinking about it. A quick summary: I think maybe a 6 party system would work, but I dont think a three party system would ever work. Also- I am ready for the revolution anytime. I hate both guys running for President. Morons!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


I spend way too much time in front of a computer. All day at work and it is far and away the coolest most addictive toy I have at home.

Liz was out with the kids tonight- Yeeeha! What did I do? Went for a walk. Read a bit. Worked out. Mowed. Yard work. And, of course, indulged my chess addiction.

I am going to have to watch myself. When I start playing this game, I have been known to exhibit antisocial behavior. I swore it off cold turkey a couple years back, and I am just now allowing myself to ease back into it. One thing I had forgotten was how intense certain members of the online chess community get. There is some seriously hilarious trash talk going on in the chat area of the chess site I play at: Yeah that right sucka, JUST WALK AWAY! You too chicken to play me! You only play blues!

(Blue is the lowest ranking level possible.)(I am blue.)

Come on guys- your are chess geeks!! I myself had a funny encounter with a guy today who got rather upset when I beat him silly. I enjoy that. Not the winning, the whining. Only the chess people that get this crazy. When I quit chess, I subbed in spades for a good while to ease the withdrawl pains- the spades people are very easy going usually compared to the chess people.

OK time to cut the umbilical. Time to wake up Neo.


I found a turtle and went swimming.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The shelf life of funny and the inside of my head

Something Renae said recently reminded me of something else that happen once, a while ago.

It was very funny indeed at the time, but it will never translate into words without ceasing to be funny at all.

It was when Bruce used to have a habit of saying : "I have great hunger, welling from within!" every time he got hungry, instead of just saying "Pass the sandwich" like the boring people of the world. He used this phrase often enough that one time, when he, Renae and I were together and he only said the first half :"I have great hunger", and I asked "Where is it welling from?" it made Renae laugh alot, which made me proud of my quick wit.

See? Not very funny when I tell it that way.

That in turn got me to thinking of other things that I am sillyly proud of having thought to say, on account of making people laugh with them. (I love when people laugh at my jokes. Its one reason Chris LaBoube is so easy to get along with. He laughs at everything.) Stuff that was hilarious at the time, but will not be funny now as I tell them in print. Oddly the next two things I thought of both involve Colista.

The first one was when Jerry Bench- (the director of the City of Joseph which for those of you who dont know used to be >: a huge historic/churchish musical that my family used to be in almost every summer) announced over the PA that we should all turn any props we had found in to the lost and found. I deadpanned :"I found a stage." Colista thought it was hilarious, and I still, years later, replay that scence in my mind occasionally. But it probably isn't all that funny written out.

The other one was when her and I and others, after the show found ourselves reading the outside of an empty bag of popcorn. "Buttery!" "Fresh!" "Painful!". It didn't say "Painful" on the bag, but I got laughs again.

The other day a guy at work began laughing for no obvious reason, so several of us asked him what was up. "Oh- nothing really" said he.

I asked if it was one of those things that are really funny inside your head but if you say it out loud it won't be funny anymore, but instead it would only make you look daft?

Yes, pretty much he said.

I'm like that all the time. After 34 years of being on this planet, I am starting to get a grip on which things to say outloud, and which things to keep in my head only. I have alot of "keep in head onlys". It makes it hard to interact with other Earth people sometimes; I am so very different from the general mass of blithering blubber of humanity. I can admit that now.(So are most of you, my dear readers. That's a compliment, if you like. )

For instance I just deleted a story about the random things I think, because I am afraid you would all get seriously worried about me, and it might hurt my evantual bid for the presidency. NO NO -I WON'T TELL YOU!

I started playing chess again, tenatively. Its risky for me. I quit years ago because I became so obsessive and touchy. And I lost far too much. So far so good though.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Stop making movies!!!!

You are making a GUNGAN out of yourself!!!!