Daily GUIDE-ance:

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Humpy Koneru!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Guess what the second ranked female chess player in the world's name is?
Humpy Koneru! That ought to make all you Roaches, Grosses, Cranks, Crapos etc feel pretty good about yourselves!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Rock Band

So over the weekend I was exposed to that gaming sensation that’s sweeping the nation known as Rock Band. Only I didn’t like it. Bruce says its because I have a superiority complex, and I only like things that I am good at. (yeah pass the chainsaw, I think I am going to cut me a nice, thick slab of IRONY.) Liz thinks its because I was having a fight with her at the time and hated everything anyway.

The main (only) point of the game is to press the right button out of a choice of five at the right time. The right time has something to do with the music that the game is playing at the time. There is no opportunity to do anything clever or creative- its just a matter of pushing the buttons that the game says you must, when it says you must.

The only thing that makes it a Rock Band is that the buttons you are supposed to press are on a controller that is shaped like a guitar, (or a drum set.) Other than that, its alot like that electronic game from the 80's called Simon. (As in Simon Says. It was round and had four colored buttons that beeped, and Brad tried to pass his off as an alien spacecraft)

All my friends love this game. I don’t get it. Maybe I do have kinks in my soul. I’ll try it again mebbe. I also think Wii is retarded though. Did no one in marketing ever figure out that Wii is almost spelled the same as WWII?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Friday, December 26, 2008

Little Drummer Boy

That Christmas song about the little boy with a drum showing up in the stable where Mary just barely gave birth and offering to play the drum for the little sleeping baby...

What kind of madness is that??!

a waste of a post

1am boxing day. Merry Christmas ! Again! I am being recklessly irresponsible being up this late. Cant think striaght right now anyway. Getting old has made me reaaaalllly like having my sleep. Correction: Having kids made me like sleep. I think pre-kids, I could always sleep in more whenever I got around to it, but these days that just isnt so.

But the 5 day weekend makes me crazy. Been playing chess for 2 hours or so. When was it that I stayed over at Renae's last and watched all her kids and mine most of the next day? I got sick as a dog, and spent a fair part of the day playing chess with only half my brain, and since then my game went directly to crap. Before that day I was getting fairly strong (for me)- since that day, I've been junk. This doesn't bug me like it used to though. I used to go into a rage when I lost and take it out on old ladies in the street, by hitting them with canned goods. I'm alot more mellow about sucking now.

It's habits. Part of it is cognition- like logic and all that- but alot more of it is observancy. Being able to compute 3 or 4 move ahead is pointless if you aren't seeing the board.

Not like I know anything- I'm a junk American. So my rating went to bits-- about as low as it has ever been... Got some of it back today though. What else will you be bored to hear? Laziness... whatever the opposite of that is- thats the other attribute you need to win at chess (like i know!) If you see the board but dont bother to compute the data, what was the point? Playing weaker players makes you lazy.

Liz wont play me with a handicap. hurts her pride. Trent though doesn't mind if I handicap myself. Jonni doesn't eiether. She actually knows how to play now, btw! Like remebers the rules mostly! I promise not to be one of those driving fathers who beats all the fun out of his smart kids to make them smarter. How dum is that? What's the point of being smart if you aren't using it to have fun? Yeah!

I'm slappy in the head. Just chuck this post.

Re reading Narnia.

Yeah so--- did you know I was clinically depressed most of 8th grade? That's when I worked out the 1st basic principle of human existance:

1) whatever it is that you are doing, the main point is to be happy.

I'd never been not happy before. I figured out how important that was that year. I was sad for a while but I discovered the meaning of Life- or at least the purpose of Life.

Zaphod says it this way "the main business of life, which is to have as good a time as possible"

Book of Mormon says it this way: "Men are that they might have joy"

So whatever it is that makes you happy, be it going to church or hitting old women with can goods, that's what you ought to be doing.

Later I worked out that the are some basic laws of physics about being happy- some general things that apply to everyone- i mean 4 example I like chess renae hates it, so I play and she doesn't... but on a more general level... nobody exists who is capabale of being happy doing certain types of behaviors like:

2) People generally are happy only if they are being "nice" to other people.
Again with the Book of Mormon: "Wickedness never was happiness"

"Nice" obviously is pretty broad. It can definately sometimes include striking somebody with canned goods. Sometimes it might even include killing somebody. Like in world war 2... it was awfully nice that we killed all those Nazis.

1:30 am now... the part of my brain that knows about it being smart to go to sleep has obviously gone to sleep, leaving me sort of screwed over, because now I dont know any better than to stay up late for no reason like this.... stupid brain. the typing skills part has also gotten pretty drowsy. garag. I will go now!

Gus naps alot!

Sunday, December 21, 2008


Hi all…
Liz and I were coming home from church today when I decided to do what I had been thinking about doing for a while now-- ie taking the Fanclub private. When Liz had that close encounter with a break in, I started thinking about how to tighten up security… and I had to admit that even though we always hear about how you shouldn’t put personal info out on the net, if I was an evil me, I would easy be able to locate myself based on the info on the JSFC. Furthermore, I had at least one freakshow reader, plus who knows how many lurkers?

Most of you don’t know much about the KN character, but I have been actively denying him his voice for regularly ever since he made his first appearance. I have deleted a comment of his every couple days. I decided my policy was be civil consistently, or begone. Nothing he wrote amounted to much except idioicy and or insults, mixed with the occasional civil comment. I was often tempted to publicly mock him, because he made such a juicy target, but I figured that would only encourage him. I even considered doing the love your enemies thing, ie be nice to him, but I decided that was retarded. I even considered and was really tempted to build up this great big huge thing where I would promise on a certain date to allow him one big comment that I would not delete swear to Thor hope to die regardless of what it said… and then do a count down to KN day and everything, hoping that he would put tons of work into writing one huge comment. Then I’d delete it anyway and laugh my head off. But for whatever reason I didn’t do that. I also thought about starting a wall of shame and just posting all his insane comments there to laugh at when ever… but I didn’t do that either. It would have been funny, but on the way home from church I just decided, heck with it. Safety first. If I was single without kids maybe it’d be different, but I ain’t. I had earlier that day deleted yet another stupid comment of his about how the Foolish Advice wasn’t funny- So I got home and headed to the machine to take the JCSFC private- and lo- another, very long comment from KN. This was of a different tenor, and I will try to sum up best I can.

“Wow. You deleted another of my comments, without responding?! You obviously have way more resolve than I do, I give up. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Then he went on to say that his life sucked, he was a loser, he had almost no friends, he was a janitor at Walmart with no education, the friends he did have were backstabbers, he was thinking of going to college but probably couldn’t get in cause he was such a screw up, and today, on top of everything else, something especially horrid had happened to him and he was now just a broken man. (oh. I shed tears!)

Then he went on to explain that back in his prime he was a “bigtime troll” on the internet, and now he wasn’t, and was trying to use my blog to work up his insulting skills back into their prime, but obviously I had totally crushed him.

Then he apologized for making fun of my religion.

I deleted that comment too, and while I was doing it, I am pretty sure he posted another comment about “What? No response to that either?”, so I deleted that too.

Then I took the fan club private.

“Gosh John, you could have said, KN I forgive you and you should read the Book of Mormon, it will change you into not a loser! And it would have been a Christmas miracle!”

Thing is, “ah knows him by de back” as Jim from Huck Finn might say. He’s not looking for a hand to help him up, he’s looking for a hand to bite. Safety first.

I won’t stay un public forever. The world needs me. But I am going to rethink a few things first. I am thinking maybe an anonymous public blog right now, with a private one on the side for personal things, only accessible by the chosen few- the inner circle- you guys. “Powerwielder.com” maybe…

Anyhow sorry for the annoyance.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Shampoo for my real friends...

...and real poo for my sham friends.

Moral dilemma: Please help me out by telling me whether or not the following is in poor taste. I just can't decide!

"Who the heck invented the preying mantis? Let me see if I have this right: The female lures the male into her lovenest, bites his head off, has sex with the decapitated body while it is still more or less functional, and then eats the corpse. It's hard to picture the Creator in his workshop saying to himself-- '"OOO! I have a hecka good idea for an insect!"' and then coming up with that. Anyway it pretty much for once and for all destroys the argument that if it happens in nature it must be ok for humans to do..."

So-- what do you think? too graphic?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Suck, Better, Hilarious

I finally got around to watching the latest Narnia movie, and WoW. I never ever thought I'd say this, but the BBC version was much much better. Mind you the BBC version stunk like a hunk of old cold cannible... There might be words to describe how dumb this movie was, but they probably are only found in the dialect of a rare tribe of pygmies who's tribal lands were found between an active volcano, a malaria infested swamp, a nuclear waste dump, and an enemy tribe of feirce, 8 foot tall giants and who therefore developed a language with 102 words for all the different types of suck.

Of all the things I could rip on I guess the most annoying was how everybody in the movie was always grumpy about everything. Peter and Edmund as streetfighting, angsty Troubled Youths. Pleeeeeeease! "yeah. and they were like, in a band. and they had skateboards. Oh i know! they could cuss! and smoke! and hang out by the bank."

So, if the Penvensie's are this immature and bratty, how the heck are they going to handle Eustace? Make him a vampire? (Vampric Dragon?)

And why did they cast Caspian as 26 years old? I know he's older in the next book, but isn't the problem with child actors that they age too quickly? (unless they are thinking that in book 4 Caspain is 100 years old and dies of old age and are aiming for that...)

And why all the idiotic departures from the story in the book? With Harry Potter they have the valid excuse that the books are way too long, but the Narnia books are short.

I also saw Twilight. Better. had some of the same problems though. Hollywood doesn't know how to handle a mature, intellegent happy teenage character basically. Everybody must be angsty. dum dum dum dum dum. I've been thinking that out of revenge I am going to make a movie of the Elric books with no angst what so ever.

The other thing that offended me about Twilight was that in Fork's High there were no pygmy bushmen or eskimos. Terribly racially insensitive. (morons)

Also saw Get Smart. Hilarious. Reccomend it!

PS: hey... has anyone else heard this song? I cant remember much about it, I only heard it once several years ago on the radio, but it was very funny. It was done in sort of a big band "Mac the Knife" kinda style about this guy who was going to rough up Santa Claus because they were romantic rivals or something. The only lyrics that have stuck with me are:

"Hey St. Nick if you touch my chic, the reinder are gonna fly home alone!"

I've tried a bunch of lyric search engines, but I can't find it. Any ideas? Mary?

Monday, December 8, 2008

I come from the land of Ice and Snow
Of the Midnight Sun where the cold winds blow

Ho Ho Ho Ho!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Insult of the Day has been discontinued for the month of December. Instead we are happy to annouce, in the interest of spreading holiday cheer, our new daily Advice column!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

More Wierdness!

I enjoyed in an odd way.

The other day I coined a phrase, and thought I was terribly funny: The new name for our country when noodle head boy takes over: Obama-nation. And everything he did would be Obaminable. I really thought I was incredibly funny. And I was! So how disappointed I was to see a book last night at Borders using the phrase: "Obamanation" as part of it's title. I hate it when people have my great ideas before me.

I also saw a Jesus Christ action figure... wrong on so many levels!
But if that's where we are going, where is the Pope action figure, and the Mohammed action figure and the Confucious Action figure and the Buddha Action figure? Or the Allah action figure? or the Garishnika action figure? (I just made up that name... it's supposed to be a Hindu diety... Shiva?) Quezatcoatal? Santa Claus action figure? (I'm thinking of the Catholic saint now, not the jolly guy)... Speaking of which, I have always thought that one of the best things about being Catholic would be being able to pray to Santa Claus.

The worst would be the celibate clergy! No offense if you happen to be Catholic, but can you think of a better formula for inducing complete Bugs Bunny suit insanity in your priests?

Friday, November 28, 2008

The day after Thanksgiving! This means we will all start receiving those hilarious emails forwarded from that special forwarder in your life- (I hope you have a forwarder in your life. Endless laughs.)- all about wounded animals and grumpy old men and poor little families and unexpected angelic visitations and lost little children and sudden snowstorms and all those other stock characters from the Amazing Cheese Christmas Comic Book!

Hey. That has a ring to it! I should write one!!

Anyhow. I have considered trying to write the world cheesiest most absurd Christmas email of all time, and then discreetly passing it on to a few gullible forward-happy souls, and then, like throwing a note in a bottle into the ocean, wait and see.

We could have a contest here at the JSFC, to see who could write/discover the sappiest/slappiest Christmas email. What would the prize be? Autographed photo perhaps?

Anyhow. Day before Thanksgiving our church's monthly magazine - the December edition- showed up. Now the December issue is filled with just the same sort of Christmas stories as the Amazing Cheese Comic Book email stories aspire to be.

Here is a link. If you want some real holiday soul butter- the good stuff- not the Amazing Cheese- (I like that phrase!) - read a few. They'll make you feel all toasty inside!

Or you'll hate it. But I will just go ahead an stick myself out on an emotional limb and say I luuuurve this issue. Deep down, especially in December, I'm a cuddly little cutie. It makes me all that much more attractive, I know. So intelligent, and manly and so very good looking, and terribly sweet to boot. Sorry, I'm married!

On further perusal, I find the following links to be the most Christmas specific articles in this month's Ensign:

LDS Voices

The Best Christmas Ever

How Could I Help?

Room in the Inn

Three Christmas Stories

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Prop 8

There's been so much buzz in the blogosphere about the people of California passing Prop 8, which constitutionally defined marriage as between one woman and one man, and the uncivil protesting that followed, that I want to drop my 2 cents here.

First off, I really hope that somebody reading this does not share my views. If that's you, I invite you to be cogent and logical, civil and polite and respond, if you can.

Here's some of why Prop 8 makes sense:

Redefining marriage to include gay relationships is not a small leap-its friggin' huge! It would be a much smaller leap to redefine marriage to include polygamist relationships, for example. In fact, there are plenty of people -the FLDS come to mind- who would fight to redefine marriage to include more than two spouses. I myself come from some polygamist stock, and to me polygamy makes 100% more sense that gay marriage. I don't want either though, and here's why:

After you have allowed gayness and polygamy, obviously you have to include polyandry (that's multiple husbands for one wife- I can never remember the word for it and had to look it up- sounds like "gang rape" to me...)

After that, the next logical step is to accept things like partnerships between two or three men and two or three women as equivalent to marriage. After that, what the freak? Where do you stop?

That's when we notice that "redefining" marriage didn't change marriage- it destroyed it.

Think about the problems a society without marriage (or with a sprained definition of it) would have. Custody battles. How do you determine who has authority over who's children without marriage? More importantly, how do you determine who has responsibility for the nurture and care and protection of which children? Long and short, without a clear, simple definition of marriage, these critical things cannot be determined without a cumbersome, lurching (and inherently cruel) bureaucratic process- in other words, children no longer really belong to or with anybody except to the state.

The basic equation is simple:

Marriage defined legally as between one man and one woman protects children. That's why it's good that Prop8 passed.

I just started the John Adams miniseires. (It's good BTW!) John Adams speaks at the end of episode one about certain rights and principles being pre-existant to the law. Somethings are simply true regardless of what any king, judge or law may or may not say about them. Marriage being a male/female relationship is one of those concepts.

Again, I do hope that this reaches somebody with differing views, and makes you think. If that's you, please don't get all crazy and hateful, like so many people who opposed Prop 8 are doing in Cali. Such behavior is babyish, hypocritical, devoid of clear thought, and reflects very poorly on their cause.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Chess Puzzle

Above is a postion from one of my recent games. I'm white, it's my move. Black has just moved his knight to threaten my rook. What ingenious game ending move did I make?

(I know, Renae, I know... I wanna roll with the gangsters.)

Friday, November 14, 2008


A quick addendum to the Atheism post:

"Unprovable" does not nessecarily mean "unknowable". It's kind of like the Matrix in that no one can tell you. You have to experience it for yourself.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

You may or may not have noticed my flobbering attempted at creating a Thankgiving themed playlist... The only thing I really am pleased with is the Boston version of the Star spangled banner. I wish somebody would come along and do for some of the classic patriotic hymns what Trans-Siberian Orchestra did to classic Christmas songs. I really like The Battle Hymn of the Republic- just not the version I was able to find below so much... I mean its ok for maybe church (church church church), but probably not really for battle.

I also really like Come Come Ye Saints... But a more rugged version would be swell. Those two songs- Battle Hymn and Come Come Ye Saints-- two opposite chapters of history paralleled and contrasted there. While most of America was doing the Civil War, half of my American ancestors were at thier ease and nicely exempt from the war, hiding out in the deep west, having a shot at building thier Utopia, glad that the US government was picking on itself for once instead of chasing them off thier land yet again.

Has anybody seen the John Adams miniseries that came out a year or so ago? I got disc one from Netflix the other day, but haven't started it. This weekend mebbe. Hope its good.

Is there anyone who hasn't watched Ken Burn's Civil War miniseries yet? Any library should have it. Watched it for the first time like 7 years ago- loved it. Reccomend it. And you feel so darn smart watching it. Smug even. "Look at me- I'm watching something deeply moving and intelectual! What are you doing? Eating twinkies? oooooo a LOOOOSER!"

Monday, November 10, 2008


Wen I was in Mexico, I woke up one morning to see that the tide, in going down, had left the beach littered for miles with thousands of starfish. I knew that these starfish would die if they were left out of the ocean for much longer so I quickly dressed and went down to the beach. (hmmm. It just now occurred to me that this story would be a lot more touching if I had substituted a little lame boy for myself as the protagonist. Maybe even a little lame orphan boy. Oh well, too late now!) As I was picking up these starfish and tossing them back into the life-giving ocean, an old man walked up to me.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "Can’t you see that you are wasting your time? There are thousands of starfish stranded here on the beach. Far more than you can ever save. You can’t make a difference here."

I looked into that old man’s eyes. I reached out, picked up the old man and threw him into the ocean.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Michael Crichton

Michael Crichton died. Age 66. Cancer.
(Author. Jurassic Park.)

Liked his stuff! He put the Sci back in Sci-Fi. Probably my favorite of his was The Great Train Robbery. I'm not attached to him like I was to Fred Saberhagen, but his was a one of a kind talent.

Anyhow, turns out he was a funny dude. You should check out this little thing I read about him. Should make you laugh.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

America has BO!

While everybody (except Brad - thank Bob one of us is still sane!) is all wrapped up in this political jag, allow me to share two moments that I found funny. I hope this doesn’t come across as too mean spirited… but come on!- funny is funny, everybody’s silly feelings aside!

1) I read it on someone's blog:
"I’m cool with Obama… I just worry about some of the other Dem(ocrats) who got in on his shirttails who may be inexperienced or incompetent -even the newspapers said so!"

2) A neighbor admitted to me that he voted for BO because : "I, ya know, believe in hope and change and the future"


A quick note on atheism before I move on to other things:

It's true of course that the existance or non-existance of a God, or gods can not be proved. That's a given.

The mistake alot of atheists make is to think that being an atheist is to be free of religon. They are not. The conviction that there is no god is a religious belief.

What do I mean by that? Just that it's an unprovable assumption, based on the small evidence that a person can see from limited perspective of a human life span on a teeeny speck of a planet in a dwarfish galaxy in a crazy huge universe. Just like a christian's assumption that Jesus is real, or a hindu's assumption that reincarnation happens.

An agnostic- one who "reserves judgement" - now that I can understand. But to think that you can somehow "know" that there is no God is ... rather closeminded. There might be one or two you know...

And either way, a person is not defined by their opinions and guess work as to how the universe is or is not structured. A person is defined by their actions.

Pure religon is the path a person walks. It's the way you chose to live and interact with everyone else. Cosmology has little to do with it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Don't Watch

I asked Liz not not watch this- not because it's gory or anything-- just because it's so sad. But if you voted for whatshisface, you should definately watch this.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Well, Im going to bed. 9:30pm. If the queer wins in the morning, well, McCain would have been better, but it'll be easier to get a real canidate in in 4 on the Rep side than on the Demside. If McCain wins, at least we dont have a baby eater as president.

You all should know that my view is that the most significant issue in our generation is the abortion issue. It's been a while since I posted something related to my abolitionist views... I've been in a very nice slack mode for the last several months... but I think, now that the election is almost over- lol- it may be time to strap on the armor again.

I have tons of material... not just preaching, but real, actual thinking...

But tonight is not the time for it.

I can't believe that my mom thinks BHO is ok... Does anybody live life not half asleep anymore? What's the line from Dune?

Paul:"You dare suggest that the son of a Duke is an animal?"
The Reverend Mother: "Let's say I suggest that he might be human."

Are people really anything other than sheep?

Physics teaches that there are 4 fundamental forces in the universe. 4 reasons why things happen.

1) The electromagnetic force
2) Gravity
3) The Strong force (whatever that is- it acts only at an atomic level anyway)
4) The Weak force (ditto)

My suspiction is that there is another "force" -

5) The will; that is to say : agency

Phillip Jose Farmer, the scifi writer once explained it like this:

Do people really have "choice", or do the laws of physics predestine everything? Are our actions governed entirely by our biology and chemistry, or can we choose to act in a way contrary to nature? We feel like we have choice... but is that feeling anything other than an illusion?

Farmer's answer was : "People have free will. They just don't use it much"

I think that's true.

Many religions use fasting- the practice of deliberately skipping a few meals- as a means of empowering the spirit. In away this makes sense: deliberately excerising the will to oppose your simple physical chemistry.

It's 10:00 now. I'm for bed. Go McCain. Go BHO- to Yyfarn- to be slowly digested over 1000 years.

Al Gore reminded me of Agent Smith (Miister Anderson!)
John Kerry looked like a member of he undead
John Edwards- kinda like an alien in a stolen human body (give me sugar. in wa-ter)
Hilary- clearly a witch
BHO- what can I say? The AntiChrist.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I'm voting for McCain. I think he's a doof, but Obama is a genuine, certifiable, padded walls, straight jacket, Bugs Bunny suit Lunatic.

But seriously, aside from the teeney weeney baby killing matter , and his terrorist connections, and his drug habit, and his pyschotic black supremicist religon, and amazing lack of experience, the basic equation is terribly simple:

I want the government that is going to mess with my life the least!

And while McCain wants to mess with stuff, Obama wants to micromanage the country at a cellular, sub-atomic level. Laws governing the movements and color of quarks and gluons and all that really little stuff. I hope they take him away and make him into glue. As glue, he'd probably have his finest hour.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Body of a Witch

It was dark; precious few stars, no moon. The mountain air came in occasional, skittish gusts that would last a second and then become quickly calm. It was a corpse-cold night, but that did not bother young Kevin Drakelock.

The mare he was riding was touchy and nervous. It shied at shadows and leaves. A wolf barked- not even particularly nearby- and the horse froze, it's ears pricked.Kevin gently smacked the leather on her neck prompting her on. This was nothing. These small inconveniences did not bother Kevin Drakelock. He supposed the animal was behaving this way because she was stolen. That did not bother him either. As, he rode, he grinned a satisfied grin, and thought: "I am as cold as cold itself, and nothing can chill me."

There was a dismal truth there. In a lifetime as short as Kevin's had so far been, he had squeezed in a maximum of wickedness. He chuckled to think that tonight, he was working for a priest.

Kevin counted himself a man devoid of superstition and religion. He attended church- occasionally- in disguise. He wore several luck charms- a pair belted at his waist and another in his boot. Life after death? That was another thing that didn't bother him. And he did not believe in witches.

An unusually powerful gust of wind howled; the stolen horse skittered and snorted. The path they rode was wooded, and uphill. The mare seemed to be frightened by the brush on either side of the trail. Kevin leaned forward into the wind. Suddenly a creak, a crack and Kevin threw up both arms in time to save himself; a heavy trunk rotten through months ago had found its moment to break free just as Kevin rode beneath. But the blow that missed Kevin's skull instead fell on the mare's hindquarters. She threw up her forelegs, shrieking. Kevin scrabbled to catch the reins again, but she bolted in a panicked gallop. The pathway swung to the left, but the frightened animal swung to the right! Twigs and leaves took away Kevin's vision and he felt himself hitting the earth, hard.

He lay still, learning to breathe again. Then he took count, first of his limbs, then of his digits. All still there, and all still workable. He worked his legs under him. He groaned, but only out of habit. A wolf bayed again. Kevin reflected that the mare might get herself eaten. A rough grin cut his face: another thing that would not bother him.

On foot, he regained the path, whereupon he found something else to improve his mood. It was his pack. It was a very large one. The horse had thrown it before it had thrown him, most likely when she had reared into her terror stricken gallop. Kevin heaved the pack onto his shoulders. It was more than 100 pounds he judged, although less than 150. There was nothing for it. He got her draped around his shoulders and started in to hiking.


Father Bennet believed in witches. Out of the wind, behind a shelf of rock, all alone in the dead of night except for his gelding pony, he waited. His mind, it seemed, had decided to pass the time by imagining terrors in every shadow of the woods. He had built a very large fire, partly to ward off the cold, but especially for the wolves. He was a nervous man. These hills were not known as haunts for wolves, but he had heard many of them calling to each other hereabouts tonight.

Witches, he knew, sometimes used wolves as servants. Other times a witch might take the shape of a wolf - a gift of the devil. They could drive beasts and men mad, they could control the weather, they could -

-"What if" came the thought, unbidden and unwelcome to Bennet's mind "What if tonight, each wolf in these hills is actually a witch in disguise?" He shuddered.

Another fear that was beginning to steal up on him was that he might have done wrong by hiring Drakelock. The man was a rank sinner and dangerous to boot. Supposing he had by some error of calculation, not brought the agreed on fee? What might Drakelock do to him? He fumbled for his money bag to count once more.

A sudden scream split the night, not ten yards away! Bennet lurched to his feet, silver coins scattering among the rocks. His heart leaped to his throat. He spun in the direction of the noise and saw Kevin Drakelock, a massive pack across his broad shoulders stepping into the firelight.

"Ha hah hah!" Kevin shouted "You should have seen yourself jump!"

Kevin slung his pack heavily to the ground and stretched in relief.

"What's the matter old fellow? I didn't scare you did I?" He laughed again.

The priest shivered as his fear drained away and he laughed hesitantly. Then his eyes fixed on the bundle and he grew as still as if Kevin had thrown an adder onto the ground.

"Is... Is that...?"

"What?" Kevin looked dumbly about, then followed the other's gaze. "What, this?" He toed the massive pack. "Well yes, of course it's her!", he replied to the question in the priest's eyes "What else-"

And with total irreverence, he tugged from the pack a hand, attached to an arm, and then to a shoulder and then a body. The body of a witch.

A small, sharp noise escaped the priest.

"What's wrong, Bennet?" demand Drakelock "This is what you wanted, what you hired me for."

"Not that- no- not- not the body!" stammered the priest in obvious horror "Why bring that? I gave you strict instructions... You cannot finish a one like this by any common means!"

"What are you talking about?" Drakelock was harsh. "Pay me."

"Yes, of course, I'll pay, but fire! I told you- you must use fire! Else, she being a witch, she may rise again and seek vengeance!"

"Father, you're a fool." stated Drakelock "A corpse, is a corpse, is a corpse. Are these my coins that you've hurled all about?"

"Yes, but first, quickly, you must help me- please- there is fire here. It is large. Help me get her into it! Haste!"

Kevin regarded the man a moment, his tolerance thinning. He had hauled the limp body partially erect when he had freed her from the bag. With an extra heave, he brought it to a nearly erect position. He shoved it rudely towards the priest.

"Do it yourself!" Kevin smiled broadly as the priest caught the corpse, as if in an embrace, squealing with disgust and fear. Kevin turned and bent for the coins.

"Drakelock, Drakelock" moaned the priest "Oh please Drakelock, help me do this!" With great difficulty and superstitious dread, the priest dragged the body towards the flames. An awkward effort, a heave, and the thing tumbled more or less into the center of the bonfire.

"Tch tch tch" growled Drakelock, taking in a lung of ash, precipitated by the corpse's fall. "Tell me Bennet- Just what exactly do you think you are accomplishing there? Burning her like that, I mean?"

The priest sat, his eyes fixed on the fire and the fuel.

"Well--"He spoke slowly, not turning his head, "The fire is a cleansing element. It will destroy that which is guilty, consume that which is evil. But it is also a testing element."

"Right. Meaning that if she were innocent, the flames would not harm her, I suppose?" The killer had his coins now and came to sit beside the priest.

"And what if you and I are the guilty ones?"

And just as he said this the fire exploded; wood and ash, sparks and flames flew in every direction. It flung the two men to the ground. And the witch they saw as a strong woman's silhouette, standing unburned in the flames, with long hair blowing, as she mastered the wind, and they heard the sound of a hundred wolves answering her as she called.

I wrote this thing about 12 Halloweens ago, when I was a missionary in Nevada. It was a small way for me to celebrate the holiday far away from home... Anyhow, for what it's worth, there it is. My small scary story offering for Halloween 2008.



Game 11- Anand retains his title

A drawn game. Hard for me to imagine not playing the game through to the end, if I am Kramnik... But no- he agreed to call it a draw, losing all chance at the title after 24 moves. Wierd. After this anti-climax even I am bored.

I hear in 2009 an American actually might have a shot at the title. (He a Russian who emmigrated, naturally)

BUT Hah! Look what I figured out how to do: (I wonder if copying like this is legal?)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Brad got me to watch this the other day. We have watched it a million times since. This is supposedly somebodies window display somewhere. I liked it alot!

Friday, October 24, 2008

WCC 2008

Since I know you aren't following it closely like you should be I will go ahead and tell you:

Viswanathan Anand has been giving it to Vladimir Kramnik right in the teeth all week in the World Chess Championship. Kramnik lost his title as World Champion to Anand in 2006. Now, after 8 matches, Kramnik has yet to win one. That must feel lousy- to have once been the best in the world and now to have not won even 1 out of 8. Anand has won 3 of the 8. The other five games were drawn. This is actually a pretty high win margin at this level of play- of the 51 games these two have played before this match up only 10 were not drawn.

Apparently Anand unleashed some sort of secret weapon that he has been working on in private during game three. Kramnik will probably spend alot of time studying Anand's new line- and probably it will get a name- the Anand Attack or some such- and next time Kramnik will have some responses ready... but for the time being it's a bit like competeing in the high jump, but Kramnik doesn't know about the Fosbury Flop- and Anand does. That's one of the cool things about chess, I guess- there are always new Fosbury Flop type invovations waiting to be discovered/invented. In the high jump and other sports, such innovations are rare- but it's the stuff chess is made of.

4 games left in the series, but if Anand wins one more, or draws two, it's all over. Kramnik, on the other hand must win all 4 remaining games to unseat Anand and reclaim the throne. If Kramnik wins three and draws one, it goes into extra innings.

Meanwhile, my rating on Pogo jumped to Advanced again last night. I doubt it will stay that way for long though.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Brain

So, I went to some trouble to make a brain for my Haunted House.
I began by boiling a random assortment of noodles- spaghetti, macaroni, egg, etc:
I got the roundest cereal bowl I had and put the noodles in it. I added duct tape to the bowl, but looking back I can't see why. I stirred in some flour and salt and warm water to act as a bonding agent:
I froze the whole mess. Later I dug it out and sawed the thing in two neat hemispheres. Sitting the flat, sawed sides down on a plate, and shoving the rough, unsawed sides together made a reasonably convincing brain for my haunted house:

(Incidently, the whole process gave me a nightmare of sorts in which I convinced my sister Ashley to let me saw the top part of her skull off to use as mold for my noodle brain. I felt terribly guilty afterwards, and was relieved to wake up and find out that I hadn't really done it)

After the party, I had a brain that wasn't going to keep forever. I noticed some of the skater kids hanging out aroung my ditch Sunday. (remember my ditch? With the manhole tunnel and all?) I decided to kill two birds:

This is the ditch, and the hole me and Brad explored. One of the skaters left a red backpack behind.

I left them a brain. Now they have one...sort of.

This is a giant spider.

T-dog's perspective on the Haunted Treasure hunt !

Lots of great pictures!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Uncle John and Aunt Liz's Terrifying Haunted Treasure Hunt

This is my brother Todd. Liz did a bang up job with the make-up.

Here is Todd the witch with Trent the Reaper.

Todd and a brain.

So last night we had our haunted treasure hunt. 5 of our neices and nephews came over and followed clues around our yard and neighborhood, finding bits of an ancient treasure map. They encountered several frightening persons including a witch and either a dementor or a ring wraith (it's hard to tell the difference). Ultimately they had to go inside a haunted house to converse with the ghost of the miserly banker who originally hid the treasure in the first place. There they ran into a screaming severed head, a levitating corpse, and a real live (ahem) ghost. The treasure wound up being buried in a graveyard- practically in a grave- and some serious excavation took place. Turns out my backyard did indeed have a honest to gosh treasure hidden in it! A pic of the inside of the haunted house. Wish I had a few more shots of that. Maybe I'll pass some on later.
Wren, Jonni and Mark with loot.

All in all the results were-- Unpredicted! Fun. A few things that I did not expect:

1) a treasure box buried only a foot and a half down still requires alot of work to get out of the ground intact.

2) The Elderidge kids fight back. Ross and Mark were scared, I am sure, butI hadn't planned on them trying to use a cursed skull stone that they found on the hunt to fight off the ghosts, witches and monsters. (I have no idea where they got the idea this stone was cursed). Also, they have been going to Tae Kwon Do for a while. Ross aimed some kind of roundhouse at the crotch of a ghost in the haunted house.

The Elderidges were the only ones who made it through the whole haunted house with out adult accompaniment.

3) I am glad the walls of the haunted house were strongly built. They took more of a beating than I expected.

4) The clues were a bit harder to follow than I had expected- part of this I suspect was because we got off to a late start and the light was going faster than I had planned. Still, the last thing any one wants is a weenie treasure hunt.

5) I expected that the kids would be disappointed when the treasure turned out not to be gold and jewels, but instead just a bunch of old candy, toys, books and sparklers. I even had a back story prepared about how the ghost changed his treasure into that sort of thing by magic for some reason. Turns out nobody was disappointed. I would say that the frenzy after the treasure box opened up was one of the highlights.

So we had a swell time. Todd, Suzanne, Ashely, and Trent came over the night before and worked like dogs to help me finish up the haunted house and turn my backyard into a killer (ahem) graveyard. I don't think I got a pic of Ashley's head cut off and on a tabletop (a shame). I may go get one of the backyard though. It looks pretty cool.

Welp. I'm off. More later maybe!

Oh, this is a shot of the invites we sent out.

Friday, October 17, 2008

2 to 1 in favor of the Indian.

Whaddaya mean you're watching the presidential debates?! Or the baseball playoffs?! (are they still going on? I have no idea.)

The 2008 World Champion is being decided Riiiiiight Now!!!!! First one to 6.5 wins! Final match on Halloweeeeeeeeeeen. Now quit paying attention to those geeky sports or that idiot-fest of an election. (-By Thor's beard I want to kick them all in the groin!!)

Be a spectator of something Cool for once!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Halloween Stories

You may or may not have noticed that I have been fiddling around with the soundtrack for the JCS fanclub. Something a little more seasonally appropriate. As you know, part of the legends surrounding my life include that I was raised with no Tv. (Great childhood! Highly reccomended.) One of the side effects of this, (besides unusually high intellegence and complete distain for mainstream media) is that I listened to alot of old time radio and radio in general. Renae and I still throw dumb Abott and Costello lines at each other as private jokes. (with that head you should be sorry!)

Well, I was thrilled to find the classic War of the Worlds for free online. I literally grew up listening to this. And the Bill Cosby Chicken Heart routine I have almost memorized. Give a listen if you haven't before. As to the other tales of dread that I have attached to this page, I actually have not got around to listening to them, although I have read them both. (well i listened to skinny toe and left it for laughs) As I find other stuff similiar online I plan to add it to the pile.

Halloween, for me, is a thing of the ears. Listening to a scary story is scarier than watching a scary movie because, as I once heard it put by an old school radio director, radio leaves so much more to the imagination. The same director went on to ask: "What is wrong with pronography? It's not that sex is bad- it's just that it leaves nothing to the imagination"

Hope somebody enjoys some of this stuff-
Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

If "The Lord of the Rings" had been written by....

Mercedes Lackey:
  • All the characters would have been female, except Sauron, Boromir and Elrond. Elrond would have been gay.
  • Rivendell and The Shire would have both been seething hotbeds of political intrigue
  • Orc curse words like : "Rat", "Dung", "Filth" and "Dunghill Rat" would have been replaced with phrases like "By the Mother!"
  • The fellowship would have all had to go through a mystical magic "Oathing" ritual before they left on the quest to destroy the ring. It would have been physically "torturous". It would have required everyone in it to get naked. Some freaky "High Priestess" would have been involved.
  • There would have been no orcs or goblins, just evil human men.
  • The Ents would have been female. Long ago the male ents would have been driven away by the she-ents. Treebeard would have been alot more hormonal and preachy.

Louis Lamour:

  • The final battle between Frodo and Gollum would have been a brutal fistfight, that both had known to be inevitable (and on some level been looking forward too) since they had first met. Sam would have held Frodo's guns for him, but would have warned him : "Careful, Boss- That hombre looks like blazin' brimstone on wheels!"
  • Aragorn would have been described as "being able to trail a snake across a flat rock"
  • There would have been more poker being played at the The Prancing Pony
  • The Orcs would have been Apaches. Once Sauron was dead, they would have laughed, slapped Aragorn on the back and said: "You fight good fight. You big Warrior. Strong Medicine!" Then they would have ridden off full of respect for a fellow "fighting man".
  • Rosie Cotton and Arwen would have had occasion to have tea together and discuss how they appreciated strong men.
  • Gandalf would have been a wily old prospector. Saruman would have been a wealthy rancher, who got rich by cheating Gandalf out of his gold. In the last scene Saruman, would have been holding a knife to Rosie Cotton's throat, when Gandalf appeared out of nowhere and shot him in the temple with his very old rifle. "I shoulda done that years ago" Gandalf would say.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Two significant quotes on my mind:

"Life's not worth living if you aren't being loved by a child!" -Buzz Lightyear (TS2)

"Yeah- about this whole 'takin' over the world' thing that you've been jones'in on? I mean- dontcha see the whole narfness of it all? So, sorry, but I'm gonna have to say 'Pass'. " -Roman, (child of The Brain and Pinky)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

MySpace Countdowns
Well it's like this: Every Halloween season for since like the last 2 billion geologic epochs, I have felt like I should be doing something major for it. And every year the holiday slips by with me not showing it proper respect. Back before I had kids Todd and Trent and I used to hang out on Mom and Dad's roof in black clothes scaring all the trick or treaters as they passed underneath us. That was great fun. I remember one year we almost caused one trick or treater's mom to go into labor... and I am not even sure she was pregnant, so pretty impressive, no? And always we would wind up making one little kid cry in terror... sad but that's just colateral damage. One crying child a year is worth it to me. Plus, it builds character.

And afterwards I would lie in bed, eating candy and treasuring each scream, replaying the best ones over and over in my mind.

Then I had kids and suddenly I had responsibilties. This may make me a bad parent, but I found taking my toddlers trick or treating to be nice, in away, but it just wasn't near as fun as scaring people from Mom's roof. For instance last year was a complete waste of cheese for Halloween. Sorry if any of the perfectly nice yet boring adults that I am about to malign read this: You all are perfectly nice, yet a bit boring. Liz somehow arranged for us to go trick or treating with some church people last year that I didn't really know all that well. Businessy types. Corporate Americans. I showed up dressed as the grim reaper's cruel older brother, and spent the night listening to the dad's talk about cars and work and football. So I killed one of them as an example to the rest.

This year though the stars are aligning for me. Jonni is old enough to take a decent scare. I am back in this part of the world where I have Todd and Trent to join in my evil plans. And I am grown up, and can now do all those things that I wished I could when I was a kid for Halloween- things like... well i don't want to give it all away yet, but for instance--- If I decide to dig a pit in my backyard, or set something on fire, Mom can't stop me. If I decide I need some scary props- I can buy them.

I have a lot of enthusiasm and I have a plan. (it is crap, would you like to buy a toothbrush?)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Pluto, Orcus, etc

After having studied the relevant data objectively, I have reached the conclusion that Pluto is Not a planet. I was bitter when this change was first announced, but I have had a change of heart.

Neither is Orcus, but when I found out about Orcus, I thought what a frickin cool name for a celestial body! I think we should name all the dwarf-planet objects out there by Pluto after demons and death-gods! It'll be like the Halloween part of the solar system.

By the way I hate that Pluto is the name of mickey mouse's dog. Have I ever mentioned how deeply I despise Walt Disney Co? Especially mickey mouse. I hate their commericals for Disney land and for their stupid retreaded movies. The only commercials cheesier are commercials put out by low budget churches. "If you don't take time out to take your kids to Idiot land to meet magical Fathead and his barking spider how can you have Hope for the Future of Change"... Ok maybe Barak Obama's speeches also rival Disney commercials for empty hype, fluff and self aggrandizement. "Recapture the Magic!" barf.

OOO- I saw Obama masks at Walmart for like $10! I naturally stuck a devil's pitch fork through it's eyes and mouth. But here's a free good idea: Buy one, stuff it, stick it on a pole in your front yard with blood and puss drooling from it's mouth for a Halloween decoration. I have always objected to the political season interfering with Halloween every 4 years, but this is a great way to combine the two with out compromising either! Feel free to plagiarize my idea as I am probably too cheap to spend the money anyway. AAAACK gotta run

Sunday, September 14, 2008


I can remember exactly where and when I was when I decided I liked flannels. Battle Mountain, Nevada. August or September 1996. I had been wearing a white shirt and tie everyday for closing in on a year and a half, like 60 hours a week easy, every week. The weather was fallish. Our neighbor was out raking leaves. He looked so comfortable and at peace with the universe, so utterly carefree and simple. Something of a contrast to the intense, supermonk lifestyle I was in the middle of. He was wearing a flannel. and walmart jeans.

When I'd wrapped up my sidewalk preacher days and thrown away some rather ratty white shirts and slacks, and gotten some even rattier jeans instead- and tennis shoes- it was 1997. I was a college student, and flannels, untucked and unbuttoned, as part of a sort of grunge/pearl jam look was still just barely in vogue. This I embraced. I was sort of seeing this girl who was what you might call "troubled" (married her). I still had my missionary trench coat, and of course she owned a trench coat as well-- I mean, how could you look like you were potentially going to go shoot up a high school with out a trench coat?-- We used to enjoy wearing our boots, trenchcoats and backwards ball caps together.

Whether has turned fallish again. Today I broke out my fannel. Makes me happy.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

As if there weren't enough attractive women in the blogosphere!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fire at Will, Commander!

The guys in StarWars had alot of fun. Except for that guy, Will, who everybody kept shooting at. He had it rough. I wonder if he was the Emporer's runty little brother, who the Emporer was always picking on or something.?

Also, I am going to change my name to Bidden, because all the really cool stuff always seems to be for him.

"No, No, No! Don't touch the cursed locket that gives you super powers! That is for me!" I would shout.

Halloween is coming. I have the best ideas ever for Halloween this year. Moron that later!

Monday, September 8, 2008



I just wanted to see if I could figure out how to do this. Just one minor victory in my wee little conquest of html. Anyhow, I am sure just about everyone who reads this has seen this already, but if you haven't, its a creation of my sister's, originally posted on Frog Droppings.

I thought it was awesomely hilarious. To watch it properly you will have to turn off the stupid music that always comes on when you come to this page (scroll all the way down yidiot)

Friday, September 5, 2008

My Reputation

Ok- What I actually said was:

"Anyone who reads this is a gaybait hillbilly"

Now was that so bad that I deserve to be deleted? I ask you!

Ok Ok... just kidding, geez. Don't spazz out!

What I really actually said was:

Well, darn it all I can't remeber now. Something about Aesop's fable about a donkey going to market, and ... being cranky... Fish. And Serious Jokes.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

This was very mildly interesting. Very.

Zwanzug. Ruy Lopez. Skewer. Fianchetto. Discovery. Tempo.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Today, I Killed a Wasp with Butter

On the flip-side of humanity: Mediataions on Galaxy Quest and Lord of the Rings

My friends, I have been mediating on the wisdom of destroying our brethren, those we call the homo spaiens minimus. It is true that their ways are strange to us, the true humans. It is true that they often smell badly. It is true that their lack of enlightenment causes them to believe foolish superstitions, and to live a lifestyle not in harmony with the true path. Yet, are we not all but pilgrims on the road to enlightenment? As Neil Peart of Rush, in the track known as "The Pass" off the Presto Album has written: "All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers turn to look at stars. All of us do time in the gutters, dreamers turn to look at the cars".

I have thought, since writing to you last, that in adopting the philosophy of The Bug, we may be making an error. Might we not do better to consider the path chosen by Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith? As we look to their example, we see that, although Tommy Lee knows that: "people are dumb, panicky, animals" as he teaches Will Smith, he also embraces the truth that" "A person is smart."

This week end I mediated apon the truths taught in "The Lord of the Rings", where in we see that it is the small and simple hobbits, who, by their very simplicity, are the most reliable in resisting the lure of power represented by the One Ring. We also see that, as Gandalf foresaw, it was the pity of Bilbo that ruled the fate of all, when he chose to spare Gollum. Is not Gollum an archtype of all those qualities we despise in those we call the pinks, or the people found in walmart?

Indeed, what is the prime difference between Gandalf and Saruman? Is it not that Gandalf sought to understand the hobbits, and it so doing came to see that their simplicity was a strength, not a weakness?

I then meditated on the deep truths taught in the holy movie Galaxy Quest, where in we again see a simple, unclever people, the Thermians, who, despite being gulible, and foolish in many ways, nevertheless are heroic in their way. Let us also look to the example of Jason Nesmith, who, in spite of being a silly, self deluded sot, also had worthwhile qualities that needed only the right set of experiences to to bring these qualities to the fore?

Indeed, my disciples, we must ask ourselves what is the basic distinguishing feature, between Superman and General Zod, between Luke and the Emperor, between Sam Gamgee and Gollum? What separates Batman from the Joker? What keeps a superhero from becoming a supervillian? It is not strength or power. It is not intelligence, for do not most brilliant scientists become supervillians?

Is it not a respect for life that makes a villain or a hero? As Gandalf said of the hobbits, that they really are "amazing creatures. You can learn all that there is to learn about their ways in a month, and after a hundred years that can still surprise you". Indeed, if Gandalf was willing to learn from the hobbits, might we not also find something to learn from the grotesquely overweight, smelly man purchasing a years supply of HoHo's and Diet cola in Walmart?

Then again, Gandalf didn't study the goblins and orcs. hmmmm. I must mediate further on this, my children.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

homo sapiens minimus

I’m a snob.
I hate humans.

I think I am going to make up a name to distinguish myself and other, more evolved people from
the walmart people. I don’t think Homo Sapiens really applies to a lot of you slobs out there. You are Homo- as in human- technically, genetically speaking, but you are defiantly not all that sapient. Maybe what I will do is call us smart people homo sapiens and call all the dumb people something else. Homo Stupideuos. Homo Gluteus Maximus. Homo sapiens minimus. Yeah, I think I am getting some where. Because since we can technically interbreed with the morons and produce viable young, I suppose we are really one species, but they should probably have a different sub species name. Homo sapiens minimus- "Marginally thinking man. "

"You know I’ve noticed an infestation around here. Everywhere I look in fact. Nothing but underevolved, barely conscious pondscum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives!"

That was the Bug from MIB. Talking to the exterminator.

" Well, yeah--- don’tcha wanna get rid of em?"
"Oh, in the worst way!"

I can relate. Does that make me a monster?

Speaking of monsters, is it morally wrong for vampires to kill people? As long as they use them for food, how is it worse than us eating cows? Not that I think we should be vegetarians. So a cow dies. Big frickin deal. Who cares about a cow? Not me. It’s sad in a small way for the cow’s friends, but steak and hamburgers are good, and a little emotional pain to a cow is worth it to me.

But does that still apply for a vampire? Not that I am going to let them eat me anyway. But still…

And the stupid people? Is it so wrong to just kill ‘em? Would it make it more ok if we ate them?

WWJD? Maybe I need to hate the stupidity, love the stupids? I suppose when I achieve true enlightenment, I'll do that.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Thursday, August 21, 2008


Girls would have less body image problems if they could live as a guy for a day.

A good way to get rich would be to rig the universe so that everytime an attractive girl/woman (aside: being 35 is wierd because of the wide age range of girls that are attractive. Girls/women my age are attractive, definately, but I am also faced with the unsubtle truth that a 17 year old can cause you to miss a traffic light.) Where was I? Oh yeah- get a buck everytime a hot chic says that she's ugly. That's how you get rich.

Once apon a time I assumed that pretty girls who pretend to think they are ugly were just compliment fishing liars. But I have lived with a girl for 6 years and have learned alot of insider girl secrets that way. One thing I found out was that mostly they aren't liars. They are just blind. They (hot chics) really truly deep down think they are ugly. Skinny chics think they are fat. It's wierd.

This may seem like pandering to a largely female audience, but its not. I am going to try to let women in on a secret. It's like gravity. Every girl has it. It's not something you can shut off or turn on. Sure, an airplane might fly, Evil Kneivel might jump 15 school buses, and a guy falling off a cliff might get lucky and grab a branch and hold on for dear life trying to prevent the inevitable indefinately- but these stunts don't shut off gravity. It's always there, tugging away.

Fact is, every girl exerts a gravitational attraction on just about every guy. (with certain exceptions of course-see below*) Really, girls should know this already, but they don't. It's a cliche how very hormone/phermone driven guys are. This knowledge, I think, has led girls to think that the best way to be attractive to a guy is to try to be phsyically perfect. This is hardly nessecary. Guys almost never see a nice girl in a swimsuit and think: "well, not bad considering..."- Its more like : "... WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM...where was I again? "

You don't need to take a starving guy to a five star, black tie, perfect food shaped like swans kind of restraunt. In fact, taking him there would probably be very annoying, what with trying to observe all the nicetiess of ettique, all the while wanting nothing but to dash into the kitchen and start biting things. He'd be much much happier with a sandwich and some mac and cheese. Maybe a rootbeer.

Another lie: Platonic frienship. Its alot rarer than guys normally let on. Alot. Before I was married, I had perhaps one friend who was a girl that the natural attraction was not an issue with, ever. 95% of the time, if a guy claims his best friend is a girl, he is self-deluded. It's gravity. Being married changes alot of that though. Being out of the dating game has made it possible to have friends who are girls, who really are just friends. It's kinda cool that way.

Cute girls are everywhere. The store, church, in traffic, hiding behind bushes, in the fridge, in the closet... Everywhere. Odds are if you are a girl, you are one of them. It's too bad more of you don't know this.

* A while back I formulated a few questions a girl might ask herself to decide objectively if she is really and truly unattractive. First, if you are related to the guy in question- no- that really is usually an no-go situation. Second- age. If you are way older that the guy in question, sorry, you are probably not in the running (exceptions exist). Third- have you bathed in the last 2-3 days? If not, do you have a good reason? Fourth- Are you healthy? This does not mean do you have"the perfect waist" whatever that is, or perfect anything. Fifthly- Are you smiling? Counts for tons- a grouchy super model loses to a friendly looking normal girl everytime. Laughing? Very attractive indeed.

Final sum up: Guys like girls. ALOT. We aren't nearly so picky as you seem to think we are.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I love it when you shave!

I shave it when you love.

Win it! I shave your love!

Shave your eye! Love it! Win!

You shave it when? AYE, Love!

I win! You shave it, love!

I shave ewes, love! It wins!

Win Ewes! Love shaves it's eyes!

Aye, when you shave it, love!

When it eyes your shave, love...

Love it when your eyes shave.

Win your shave?! I love it!!!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Life in Pacific

It's a hillbilly sort of town. I like it. Some small events and observations from my life here lately:

The local library fined me a dollar. I paid cash. They wrote me out a reciept. By hand.

A small boy pushed his lawnmower down the sidewalk as I was disembarking from my car. He stopped and said very politely: "Would you like to have your lawn mowed, sir?" I'm a sir. Sir John. I've been a sir forever now, but it still suprizes me. I'm a knight.

There were nothing but white people at kindergarden orientation the other night. (Liz claims she saw a mexican- I didn't though). Some t-shirts worn by other parents included :

"I put ketchup on my ketchup"
"John Deere"
"Kurt Warner"
"Walmart Tire and Lube"

One local family had a dad wearing a straw hat and a mom in pig tails. (Pig tails is the one where you have two of them, one per side, right?)

We had to find city hall. Because that is where you buy passes to the local community pool. Liz and I had an argument about who would have to drive all around town to find it. I lost. Liz map-quested it for me. Its a block and a half away. (So is the drugstore. And the grocery store. And the hardware store. And the local Goodwill.)

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Fiddly things on my mind

So I found out what the secret message on the jacket of The DaVinci Code means:

(If you look at the jacket of the book, you will see that every 10th letter or so is in a slightly bold font. If you string all the bolded letters together you get: "Is there no help for the widow's son?")

At first Liz and I thought that it must be another cryptic anagram, but we couldn't figure out what it could possibly unscramble into.

It turns out that (according to Wikipedia) that "Is there no help for the widow's son?" is the last part of a phrase that is supposed to be the Freemason distress signal.

Here's the interesting part. The first part of the distress signal is "Oh Lord, My God" So:

"Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow's son?"

The prophet Joseph Smith's (founder of the LDS Church) last words, as he was being shot to death by a masked mob, were "Oh Lord, My God". Given Joseph's background as a mason, it begs the question, was Joseph just saying something pious as he died (like I always assumed) or was he starting the distress signal?


On a totally unrelated note, I was reading Elder Richard G. Scott (of the LDS church)'s most recent general conference address, and was tickled by a phrase he used. His talk was about abuse, most especially sexual and physical abuse. Mostly he spoke to the victim, but he did address some words to the perpetrators, encouraging them to shape up. Remember this apostle speaks in a very... ubercompassionate, pleading, kindly sort of tone. This is how he ended his words to perpetrators:

"Be grateful that you didn’t live anciently when abusers were stoned to death without the opportunity for repentance."

I thought that was kind of funny. My sentiments exactly!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Sleepy. Should go to bed. So I will.

Friday, August 1, 2008

I have posted The Answers!

If you haven't read the Questions yet, you should before you read The Answers!

Thanks for playing!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Is this about airplanes?

I wonder, did people used to make paper airplanes before there were real air planes? If so, what did they call them? Paper Birds? If they didn't, does that mean we might be able to make faster-than-light spaceships out of paper if only we could think of the right way to fold it?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Test Your Might

This will have to do for my response to being tagged by Colista. I find it hard to conform some how. I think that is why I never liked church dances. Dancing somehow equates to conforming in my mind. I dont know why right now.

So, I was going to teach myself how to do this all cool and HTML-ly and make it to where you like check the little boxes and then hit submit and then it mysteriously grades your paper and gives you a score without telling you the answers, but I found out you need to have something called something like an .asp page (or something) and I don't, so forget that idea for now.

It was going to be a quiz to see how big a John Sever Fan you are.
Liz isn't allowed to play, she knows too much. (-deleted TMI-)

1) What super power would John chose to have?(rank in order of likely hood):

b)Super strength

2)What is religion would John most likely have subscribed to if he was not LDS?(rank in order of likely hood)

c)Some kind of Neo-pagan
f)Evangelical Christianity

Fill in the blanks:

3) Booga, Eeka, _______

4)Deep Thought designed ______ ______.

5)We are the ______ of the ______ of ______.

6) ______-_______ John C. Sever the __________

7) Leery ______ Beast

8) Which of the following hollywooders does John consider unattractive:

a) Avril Lavinge
b) Selma Hayek
c) Jodie Foster
d) Jessica Alba
e) Gwen Stephanie
f) Uma Thurman
g) Jessica Simpson
h) Missy Peregrin
i) What's that one chic's name... Brad pitt's whore- oh yeah Angelina - well I guess i gave that one away. Nevermind, there is more than one correct ugly in this list.

9) What profession has John never considered pursuing?

a) Engineer
b) Astronaut
c) Palentologist
d) Doctor
e) Lawyer
f) Professional Baseball Player

Now I am supposed to tag what 6 more random people?-

Ok I tag Ken ,Barbie ,Mac Fly ,Annie ,Keegan and Richard Nixon. I don't know any of these people.

Ecclesiastes 7:3

"Sorrow is better than laughter..."

Noo-oooo-ooo-oo-ooo-ooo its not! Who wrote this thing anyway?!!
Somebody wierd I'll betcha.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

One year since The Deathly Hallows

Pretty sure Monday the 21st marks ONE YEAR since the final Harry Potter book came out. What an amazing ride that was! Since I discovered Harry Potter (during the wait between book 4 and 5) I have:
  • Gotten married

  • earned a BS

  • had 2 children

  • spent a year mind-blowingly poor

  • Got my first, second and third "real" jobs

  • moved 3-4 times

  • best manned my brother's wedding

  • bought two houses

The first Harry Potter I ever read was the Book4, chapter one , (with a bit of the second chapter thrown in) -where Voldemort kills that old man and Harry wakes up after having dreamed it.

After that went to the library intending to get book 1. They only had book2 at the time, so I got that. After reading a few chapters, I had to introduce Trent(my brother)- who was 11 at the time-to it. (Trent has basically remained Harry Potter's age ever since) He very quickly became a ravenous reader. Shortly thereafter, my mom also became a huge fan. Me, Trent, our mom and our two other siblings, Todd and Ashley, spent hours and hours reading the first four books aloud to each other. This lasted for weeks... Soon, my girlfriend Liz and Renae and Bruce all got sucked in.

Reading out loud on Trents floor, laughing hysterically, and completely and utterly caught up in these stories- switching out readers, when we started losing our voices... Memories to take to the grave! (pardon me for waxing waxy) Trying to do Hagrid's accent... Trying to read the Yule Ball sequence, but dieing of laughter- "Wangoballwime?" Great stuff. The hours of speculation in between books. Make that years!

Anyhow... Last year Liz and I read the last book in shifts all day Saturday and Sunday- until we were both down to the last four chapters. Those we wound up reading together- not out loud, but sitting side by side in bed, for, what- an hour and a half?- each reading silently, waiting in suspense for the other to finish up so we could turn the page. It was the perfect way to end the series for me and Liz. We finished the book around midnight and just looked at each other and said: "WOW".

So its a classic. Better than Lord of the Rings. Better than Star Wars. (Star Wars has nothing on HP for suprizes and plot twists!) Better than Narnia. Totally unprecidented. JK Rowling is a once in a century genius. To write for that long, with that level of "world integrity" and plot foresight, and to have it be unbelieveably entertaining and engaging (sure Les Mis or War and Peace are long and complex, but, seriously, how addictive are they? How many kids enjoy them?)-- when has anything like it ever been done before? Amazing. Better than The Guide. Better than kicking Hitler in the groin. Better than being hurled into the depths of the sun. Better than starving to death.

I recently read on JKR's website on that she has written a short (800 words) prequel to HP that is being published for charity as part of a collection of short stories by famous people. Will be needing to read that naturally.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Free Good Ideas!

So some friends (see Cranky at right, I don't have time to create a link) and I got to talking and, really, we are very smart as it turns out. When I get around to running for public office, you'd be a fool not to vote for me. Just listen to some of the high octane $$$ making ideas we came up with, without even half trying. When I am elected, you won't even need to pay taxes after I have implemented these killer (ha ha) ideas. And just to show you that I am not only a frickin' genius but also kind and generous, I'm just going to give out my ideas for free right here, on the internet.

Prisons. Well, simple ideas first- everybody who is released from jail should get a bill when they leave that covers the cost of their incareration- food, housing, paying the guards, etc. Simple and fair.

Wait, don't go. That was easy- boringly simple. Lets get to the good stuff.
The death penalty. When I am in charge we will charge admission to every execution. We will make a killing! (narf!) And we'll put em all on pay per view too. World wide audience. Saving the taxpayers billions.

But it gets better. On Ebay we will auction off the privlegde to be the guy who "pushes the button" for each excetution. We could put a virtual button on the highest bidder's computer screen and all you have to do is click. (It could even be a trigger shaped button!) Is there any limit to how much money we could rake in this way? For famous criminals we'd make millions. I bet we could have gotten half a billion for Timothy McViegh.

OOO! yeah- and also on Ebay we could auction off the right to choose the method of death! We'd keep it clean- lethal injection, firing squad, electric chair, the basics- no slow dismemberments or boiling in oil, no crucifictions- but even so, it'd be a money maker.

But it gets better still! How about a Death Row Reality Show? I'm thinking something like survivor. 20 rapist/murderers on an island and each episode, they all vote one of thier number off the island- and they go straight to the chair! How awesome would that be? The winner gets to stay on for the next season... Or maybe we give him/her an extra year of life or something. That's a good prize.

So it's hard on the murder's family. Yeah that's sad, but they'll get over it. Like they were going to be happy anyway. Cruel to the deathrow guy? I doubt it. Who wouldn't rather die a celebrity than just die? I bet if we just took only criminals who volunteer for it, we'd have to turn tons away. Bad for the pscyhe of the nation? Pleeeeease! You can see worse on TV now, for free.

Ooo- maybe we could get sponsors, commentators, the works- "Well Bob, in just 10 minutes Ringo the axe fiend will be riding the lightning. He looks pretty cool there in the on-deck circle- looks like he's ready to go" "Yes Jack, he certainly does. Not like the Jamal the child molester we had on last week. I've always said Ringo was cold as ice. Time for a break folks- don't go away we'll be riiiight back!"

And then we cut to a commercial for Verizon, or tampons or something.