Daily GUIDE-ance:

Monday, October 29, 2007

Halloween


This is the sound track of all my childhood Halloweens. (with some almost completely random pics attached)

video

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Bees

I was recently offended by a box of breakfast cereal that I was eating.

It had some supposedly educational material on the back, all about the lives of honey bees. (the cereal had honey in it i think hence the tie in) It told about three types of honey bees, and I have to say that as a man, I was offended.

One type of bee, a female bee, it explained, does no work except to laze around the hive all day, mating with the multiple partner bees, laying far more eggs than it can ever afford, and eating food that it freeloads off other decent hard working bees.

What would you expect entomologists to name this lowest of insects? The Lowlife bee? The Slattern Bee? The Trailer-trash Welfare-check bee? No. Simply because this bee is a female they call this creature THE QUEEN BEE!

Ok, you might say, sure but you cant equate animal and human behavior like that. Fine, I say, I'll bite, lets play the game. Lets just suppose there was no anti-male agenda at work here. Fine.

So then my cereal box tells me about another type of bee, a male bee this time, that has basically the same job. It does no work, its only function in the hive is reproductive. These are the males bees from which the Queen draws her multiple partners. I would assume this bee is called the King Bee or maybe the Stud Bee. Oh no. This bee is called the Drone. Not even the Drone Bee- just drone. Its like the anti man entomologists can barely acknowledge that males and females are the same species.

The third type of bee is called a Worker Bee, and of course its female, and its the one the queen leaches off of.

It is difficult being male in this dark, female dominated world, where a guy can't even eat breakfast with out having his gender held against him in a subtle plot between female scientist oppressors and their cohorts in the breakfast cereal packaging business.

Why is it that women can wear slacks and button down shirts in the business world, but if a man wears a skirt he is labeled as some kind of freak? And neck ties? the silliest most useless peice of clothing in the universe- you never see them advertised to women. And why is it that women can go sleeveless and in sandals to formal dress up events, but the only place a man can do the same is on the beach? Why is it that women can wear any color they want and be dressed up- but a man in a pastel tuxedo is only seen in the movie Dumb and Dumber?

I'll tell you why- because women control the fashion industry.

Why can you study feminism in college but not masculinism?

Its time men stood up to this type of centuries old female oppression and burn their neck ties, and wear sandals, tanktops and denim to church. After all we are bigger and stronger and more streamlined.

Ps: this was a joke. who cares about stupid bees? ties are dum its true but so are pastels. women do control the fashion industry, but who cares about that? fashion smashion. Its for babies anyway. It is obviously a bit screwy that you can study feminism but not masculinism... but the obviousness of it makes it all a bit of a joke anyway doesn't it? And I am bigger and stronger. Im also smarter, but thats cause I'm John Sever, not because I'm male. I do hate ties though. I wish President Hinckley would quit wearing his. 1000 points to anyone who can explain why we wear ties. Hate em. I quit wearing them when I was 14, and only started again cause I had to on my mission.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

ON THE WAR PATH

Yesterday I got up at 3 am and drove 2 hours so that I could run 11 miles and then drive another 2 hours home, all on 4 hours sleep.

Yeah. WHO'S THE MAN!

Illinois River Valley Relay. Was a good time. Expect for the 4hours driving part. Ashley, Renae, Todd, Bruce and Terry- and me- we called ourselves "the ES Dynasty". oh wait I should explain. We were a six person relay team. Togther we covered 60 miles in lengths of, on average 3.5 miles each. We each ran 3 times, while the rest of the team cruised ahead in Terry's van to the next transition area to wait for the next hand off.

This race was my penace for my crappy Woodriver Triathalon in August.

Felt good running the whole day. Never really felt like I was suffering. Funnily, the first time I did the Woodriver triathalon, I did it on about 4hrs sleep also. I have a theory going now that while it is on the whole better to sleep well before you run, that there are some beneficial side effects to sleep deprivation when you are running. Its like you know how your body gets all relaxed stuff when you are sleepy? Well you are supposed to be relaxed when you run too, and I would say that the main charictaristic of my run yesterday was Relaxed.

There were many teams more --- intense-- than ours out there. There are hardcore atheltes at these things that put us in our place... One guy Todd was talking to is doing 7 marathons this year. I have no idea how you have that kind of time to train.

Oh hey - I have written my own peice of HTML code for this event, its pretty cool:

reach out and feel the screen riiiight



HERE: -(FEEL HERE)-
There. What you just felt is an exact replica of how my calf muscles feel to the touch today.
Peace out yo!


Wisdom of Rush--Rush of Wisdom

In the sweetest child there's a vicious streak
In the strongest man there's a child so weak
In the whole wide world there's no magic place
So you might as well rise put on your bravest face
-Rush, Bravest Face


I can learn to close my eyes
To anything but injustice
I can learn to get along
With all the things I don't know
-Rush, Resist

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Guestbook and Graffiti

First time here? Congratulations on finding the source for greatness. Leave a quick note to tell us you were here. Tell us why you are such a huge John Sever fan!

Old here? Feel free to leave any type of graffiti you please.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Insult Archive

You are mildy smelly.
You sawed-off pot-bellied imbecilic flea-bitten bum!
Your children are vermin!
Why you reprehensible pip-squeak!
You blithering idiot!
May each snowflake be as an angel spitting on you.
Fag.
You foul bauble of man's vanity!
May you be mistaken for a spittoon.
You are a cross-eyed bear.
I hope you trip into a vat of eels.
I hope you get stepped on by an Apotosaurus! On Jupiter!
The next time you go to a fast food joint, I hope you fall into the fry vat naked!
Blubber Eater!
Codfish!
Get off your soapbox you snake-handling, baby-killing polygamist FREAK!
I hope you get run over by your mom!
Happy Easter Ya Dope!!
YOU TERDMONGER!
Cowhead!
Your head smells like boiled-onions.
YOU OVERGROWN MOP-HEAD!
PINHEAD!
YOU DREG OF SOCIETY!
I hope you slide down a 300ft tall palm tree naked!
I hope you are severely inconvienced!
I hope you breathe in gaseous mercury which then liquifies in your lungs
I would like to watch you fall down a flight of stairs.
May your dentist go mad, mid-procedure.
May you go mad.
May you encounter a cannibal.
May you encounter a cannonball.
May you become a cannibal.
May you become a cannonball.
You miserable bucket of Spittle!
I hope a Bird Poops on your Soul.
Eat your Donkey!
I hope you get rabies from the Pope.
I hope a mallet hits you on the head!
Today you are not even worth insulting.
DIE YOU HALF-WIT MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!
May you sell your soul to the Devil and only get a bit of cheese for it.
You Flatulent Hussy!
Ya Filthy Animal!
Ya daft Bugger!
You Overwieght Glob of Grease!
You oafish, drooling, semi-evolved pervert !
Four-eyes!
EE-CHUTA!
Abomination!
Stupid-head!
(Overheard): Whatever, Towel-head, why don't you just go strap a bomb to yourself and get it over with
You are an infestation
Pee-breath
Listen three-eyes, don't you try to out-wierd me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal!
Stupid Crap-doggie
Your mom is a toothless, bearded Hag!
May you be forced to digest caltrops.
Your religon is dum.
You are a vomit sandwich.
You are an insecure dweebe.
Jesus hates you and so do I! (shouted at me once from a passing car)
Pasty, Bloated Codfish
You are a Blot on the human race.
You are Jessica Simpson's intellect in Jabba the Hutt's body
Your mom loves you because she's a moron.
Dog-eater
I hope you pee your pants during your next job interview.
Your mom's so dum she probably likes Obama.
May the Pope run over you in his new tractor.
Degenerate Buffoon!
You are an error
You are ugly on the inside as well as the outside.
Is that barf, or did you dress yourself this morning?
Jobless Hobo!
Nice make-up. I assume Walmart was out of paper bags?
Stick a needle in your eye!
CRAPHEAD
May a salesman visit your door every hour
You drink much sour wine to forget what you once were before you pledged yourself to the corruption that is Chaos!
Cretin!
A plague on both your houses!
May you continue to suffer from transgender disphoria.
If you had a real life you wouldn't spend so much time on the internet.
Blasphemer!
Your face is a Rat-Pumpkin!
May a tornado embed your spine in a pine tree.
Your mom's fat.
Today's insult is too complex for your simple mind to comprehend.
Ye Festering chalice of Bile!
Go live in an Alien Antfarm!
Today, I hope you need to Stop, Drop, and Roll.
Today, I hope you need to Stop, Drop, and Roll, at the same time as you have to Duck and Cover.
Today, I hope you need to Stop, Drop, and Roll,and Duck and Cover, all while recieving the Heimlich manuver.
Pondscum.
Go stick your head in a pig.
May you drink deeply from the flagon of suffering.
Go swim in a septic tank again.
May you be scorched.
You are a fool, devoid of thought.
Thou spawn of Hell!
To the Abyss with you!
Your words are poison.
May the sun absorb you in its firey bosom.
May your bodily functions lose all sense of propriety.
You son of a motherless goat!
You son of a goatless mother!
You goat of a motherless son!
You mother of a goatless son!
You're Pathetic
You can't do anything right
I wish you had never been BORN
Near-sighted Gynecologist
You Filthy Quisling!
You Lewd, Crude, Bag of Prechewed Food!
You are a Maggot Burger with everything on it and a side order of Flies!
I think you are a liar and your beliefs are stupid.(used on me once)
You Two-toned slime-coated Zebra-headed Paramecium Brain!
Son of a Hilary!
I hope you get reincarnated as a dung beetle 3 million times in a row!
You Dirty-double Crossing, No-Good for nothing, lowndown Skunk-bait!
How about if I give you The Finger?
You UGLY, RED, SOURCE OF ALL EVIL!
Kiss my leprosy.
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF SOCIAL MORON?!!
I wish you a nightmarish afterlife.
You gutless earth worm!
I hope you die and cease to exist, and that your life was a complete waste of time!
A pox o' your throat!
You bawling, blasphemous, incharitable dog!
Hang, cur, hang! You whoreson, insolent noise-maker!
You decrepit, old has-been!
Queer-bait.
Zark off!
You egg-sucking, sheep-stealing, one-eyed son of a stuffed monkey!
May the Hammer of Thor pulverize your family!
You disgust me. (I used this one last year on an elderly black woman)
Die, Rat-Face!
You would be a good gift at a Tongan funeral. (and you are not a bag of Flour.)
Go sandpaper your eyes out!
Rabbit-Biter.
I hope you get rabies and die!
I hope you are itchy all day today.
You smell of poison of stupidity
People like you should be struck.
You pool of spittle
Gork for brains!
Confusion to your allies
May you sleep the sleep of the terrified tonight.
May you awaken to fresh horrors.
At lunch time I hope you spill it.
May all your foes vanquish you!
I wish you deep sadness.
Go kick yourself in the instestines.
May you live to see the inside of a whale's intestines.
I hope your last name is inadventently changed to Intestine.
Is that your face or your intestines?
You smell like intestines.
Eat Intestines!
Is that your brain or did you run out of shampoo?
I hope encounter a stomach pump today
Nice hair cut. What were you in for?
Rabble.
Farter.
You loooooove Michael Ball!
Nice tattoo. Probably you save a lot on make-up that way.
You brainless Guffalump!!
You skinny walpwinder!
You are a failure.
You make me want to shrivle up and die rather than admit that we are the same species
Go sandpaper your eyes out!
Foul one!
Brainless Doodle-head.
Today, I hope you get a puncture wound
Go hang yourself with your own intestines!
I hope you drop a brick on your eyeball.
You are an ibble-wiplicker!
Devil worshipper!
Today I hope you trip over your own intestines, into a tub of intestines!
Go iron your fingers!
May you have terrifying nightmares while driving
I hope your primary means of transport gets stolen.
May you be caught in a rain of anvils!
Today, I hope your true love marries another.
I hope your primary means of transport gets stolen, and I hope it was your feet
May you contract an intestinal disease
May you give birth to a porcupine. Breach.
May a furniture dolly break while you are using it.
May you wind up working at the DMV!
Today, I dispair of ever finding an insult equal to your many inadequacies.
You are a bad speller
Is that your pet walrus or did you bring your spouse along?
Nice Brain.What else did you find at the yard sale?
You make me feel sorry for the ugly tree.
I HaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaTE YOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Malachi 2:3
You loooooove Michael Ball!
Kiss my week old vomit bucket!
I see that something has eaten half your face away.
You are a maggoty corpse!
You are a great artist. No one can draw flies like you do.
Lick my sump pump!
You go to church with Barak Obama.
You make intestines look smart.
I hope you get the death penalty
I hope you get sooo offended by this insult that you sit down and cry like a baby. Idiot.
You're a jerk! A complete knee biter.
Insult of the day is out of order today. Why don't you go away, loser?!
May you spend your day in a Iron Lung.
Your grandma is a withered up senile old lady
dum dum
Acid in your breakfast cereal.(hydrochloric, not the drug, you old fool)
May you suffer in proportion to your ignorance!
May you be exposed to the whole law of justice.
May you throw up something still alive.
Horse bucket breath
May you give birth to a porcupine. Breach.(repeated. I know. I like this one)
May you be unable to think of a decent insult when you need one.
You think like a girl.
You are a feminist cow.
You are a filthy perverted old hag!
Bite your tongue off
On the night you were conceived your parents should have gone to the movies instead. (There ya go MC. I used your insult! Happy? It was a crap lousy insult, I must say.)
I hope you get diesel fuel in your eyes
You belong in the army of Shiz!
May you be unable to afford a bodyguard on the one day that you really need one
Here. Take this quarter. Go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!
You son of a drunken noodlemaker!
You're Retarded!
You wretched mailboxhead!
You leaking sack of puss.
You are an unworthy Kitteneater!
You go to church with Barak Obama
Today, I hope you get kicked to death by an ostrich
May you be reincarnated as an intestine!
May you receive a posthumous pardon.
You certainly are a fatso!
Why don’t you go drink a nice glass of saliva?
You are REPUGNANT! REPUGNANT, I SAY!
You little Apple-dropper!
You smell like botulism!
I hope you get botulism!
I hope you get botulism of the intestines!
Go eat botulism infested intestines, you disgusting, twisted, warped child of filth!
You despicable coffee-drinker!
You pestilential piece of offal!
Doofus
You’re a Dork!
Your face is fat.
Your wife is fat.
Your have a fat rear end.
You have a fat head.
Your intestines are fat.
No insults for you today, ya big fat dope!
You are a plague.
Go boil your face off.
INTESTINES-4-BRAINS
May you gain even more weight. May you be mistaken for a turkey. May you break a tooth playing football. May your enemies get the lucky half of the wishbone. May you burn the dinner.
You are a zombie piglet
Ugly
You little time-piddler!

Tonight, while you are trick or treating, may the monsters follow you home, may the moon be full, may your sacks be heavy, may the dark rituals summon forth a full measure of evil, and may all things be creeeepy! Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Horcruxes

If you were going to make a Horcrux, what physical object would you use to conceal a part of your soul in and why?

Also- who would you kill to make your Horcrux?

I am not sure yet on what my answers will be, but I think it is important that everybody thinks about this so that we can all be prepared just in case we have to make one quickly, on the fly and all.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Need Ideas

hmmm.



Last Halloween at our church's "Trunk or Treat" I handed out, in addition to "normal" candy, condiments. Little packets of ketchup, that is, hot sauce from Taco bell, soy sauce from Chinese places, mustard from everywhere, mayo packets, little salts and peppers, etc etc etc. We were starting to have too many in the house you see. Since the whole passing out of candy business happened in the dark, it created a very enjoyable bit of confusion later, when the kids got back into the light and started opening their bags to see what they had collected, because of course nobody had any way of knowing who gave out what. I was also flattered that one or two moms figured out that I was the one giving out mustard, without asking. So it was worth a few laughs.

But now I am wondering how to top it this year? I toyed briefly with the idea of handing out Red Bull sodas, but I have an idea that that would get me into trouble. Liz suggested whiskey, but I pointed out that that would be Illegal. I thought maybe a brick would be funny, dropped from a goodish height just to watch it break out the bottoms of their candy bags, but I am not actually cruel to children, in practice. (Although it is funny to think about.) I saw a comic once where a guy ladled out apple cider into the kids candy containers, but again- too mean. It'd be fun to get one absurdly ridiculously humongous piece of candy- like a 5 lb bag of m+ms- and give it to just one kid maybe?

So I could use some ideas...

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Threat Archive

YOU'RE YAPPIN' FOR A SLAPPIN'!

YOU'RE SCREAMIN' FOR A CREAMIN'!
YOU ARE CRUSIN' FOR A BRUISIN'!
YOU'RE SCOOTIN' FOR A BOOTIN'!
YOU'RE SLIDIN' FOR A HIDIN'!
YOU'RE SLIPPIN' FOR A WHIPPIN'!
YOU'RE DASHIN' FOR A LASHIN'!
YOU'RE QUEIN'UP FOR A SCREWIN'UP!
YOU'RE HOGGIN' FOR A FLOGGIN'!
YOU'RE SPEEDIN' FOR A BLEEDIN'!
YOU'RE TRAININ' FOR A BRAININ'!
YOU'RE HOWLIN' FOR A DISEMBOWELIN'!
YOU'RE HOOTIN' FOR A SHOOTIN'!
YOU'RE GROANIN' FOR A DEBONIN'!
YOU'RE SPRINTIN' FOR A DENTIN'!
YOU'RE FLYIN' FOR A CRUCIFYIN'!
YOU GOTTA BE FOR A LOBOTOMY!
YOU'RE HUNCHIN' FOR A PUNCHIN'!
YOU'RE BLUBBIN' FOR A CLUBIN'!
YOU'RE YAMMERIN' FOR A HAMMERIN'!
YOU'RE YEARIN' FOR A BURNIN'!
YOU'RE SLEDDIN' FOR A BEHEADIN'!

YOU'RE ZOOMIN' FOR A BOOMIN'!

YOU'RE SAILIN' FOR AN IMPALIN'!
YOU'RE CLANGIN' FOR A HANGIN'!
YOU'RE ZIPPIN' FOR A BLIPPIN'!

YOU'RE CLOWNIN' FOR A DROWNIN'!

YOU'RE SMOKIN' FOR A CHOKIN'!
YOU'RE YANKIN' FOR A SPANKIN'!
YOU'RE LAYIN' FOR A FLAYIN'!
*The Threat Archive is updated daily. Length of day varies with planet.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Idiotic Blasphemous Speculation

So Saturday we will find out who the new Couselor in the 1st presidency of the Lds church will be, as well as the new apostle. I figure there is basically a 1 in 13 chance of guessing right, as to who the new Counselor will be. So at the risk of being mauled by she-bears, who has guesses?

I last time we got new apostles I guessed David Burton and was totally wrong. So I will guess him again or Merril Bateman. (It could be our first non-white apostle- a Portuguese or Spanish speaker mebbe? But that seems too obvious.)

As to the new counselor, I'm going to guess Dallin H. Oaks, with my back up as Jeffery R. Holland.

Seems like if anyone posts a guess and turn out to be right, they should get a prize of some kind... I will have to get thinking as to what sort of prize it will be- an autographed photo of myself perhaps?